[To follow the History from the beginning, click on "First Entry"]
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... As the animals and Noah's own family scrambled off the Ark after a year's confinement, Noah, 601, hankered after grilled steak. Because he was "getting up in years" and no longer getting it up elsewhere, Noah celebrated his release from the Ark, not with conjugal activity, but with a chaste barbecue – clean animals only: beef and mutton.
Secular Jews, who rarely study the Holy Bible, may be surprised to learn that when "the LORD smelled the sweet savour" of Noah's barbecue, He commanded Noah never again to observe a distinction with respect to kosher meats. "From now on," said God, "a man may eat dog meat, or bacon, or any meat he likes, so long as it has a sweet savour, and no red showing" (Gen. 6:20-1, 9:3).
(One thousand years later, the Lord changed His mind again: "From now on," said God to Moses, "a man may eat kosher meats only.'" Pork was again out; locusts and katydids were back in [Lev. 11:1-46].)
(Another 1,500 years after that, the Lord changed His mind again: "Just eat whatever you want," He said to the Apostles, "I'm done with kosher laws" [Acts 11:4-9, Rom. 14:14, et al.].)
(Lately, because of the obesity epidemic, the Lord has hinted that His rules may need to be revisited. Well, that's Dad for you! Eternally capricious, yesterday, today, and forever!)
The LORD also said to Noah, "Never again will I curse the Earth because of humans, even though the imagination of the human heart is lustful from youth onward. Never again will I smite every living thing as I have done" (Gen. 8:21-22).
Noah and his son Cham got into a big argument over that one. Cham wished to repair the Ark, the bottom of which was damaged when it ran aground on Mt. Ararat. Cham said that God would change His mind, the way He always does, and send a second Great Flood, worse than the first.
Noah became angry. "Would God say one thing, and do another?" demanded Noah.
Cham just rolled his eyes.
"Okay, okay," said Noah. The old sea captain bowed his head in prayer: "Give us a sign, Lord," he said, "to guarantee that You won't just change your mind about it later. My son, Cham, thinks You are somewhat … inconsistent."
Suddenly, a rainbow appeared overhead. And lo, there was heard a Voice out of Heaven, which delivered a long tedious speech, saying,
"Behold ... the sign of the covenant ... between Me and the Earth: Whenever I bring clouds over the Earth and the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will remember My covenant between Me and you and all living creatures of every kind. [...] Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life. [...] Whenever the rainbow appears in the clouds, I will see it and then I shall remember the everlasting covenant I have made with all living creatures of every kind on the Earth.[...] Amen." (Gen. 9:8-17)
The rainbow ever since has served as God's visual reminder to Himself, whenever He sees it, to keep His promise, for once: no more global floods, only little local ones, here and there, as occasion serves, to punish fornication (Gen. 9:13).
After the Ark, Noah established a successful farming business, with vineyards, and flocks of sheep, and even (for old time's sake) a small zoological gardens. He also became quite the heavy drinker. I remember one night especially, when Noah somehow ended up in his tent, no PJs, just starkers drunk, with a two-year old castrated bull-camel named Zümrüt, who also got drunk. What happened after that was just an honest mistake. Noah was old, his wife was now dead, and his eyesight was poor. He was also much too drunk to hurt a fly, much less to injure the dignity of a camel. But Noah's son Cham, who peeked, thought it was pretty funny, and he kept right on laughing even after his dad gave up and fell asleep (Gen. 9:18-23).
Noah awoke the next morning with a hangover. He wrapped a towel around his loins. He staggered from his tent and growled out a good morning to Shem and Japheth. The boys promptly told their dad the embarrassing story of how their brother Cham had watched the old man carrying on with Zümrüt, and how Cham just laughed himself silly, but how Shem and Japheth walked backwards and draped a blanket over their drunk and naked father without peeking.
Noah, unamused, cursed Cham and all of his descendants for all time, saying, "Zounds! The lowest of slaves will he be to his brothers!" (Gen. 9:24-27).
And that is the true story of why the Lord, from the 24th century BCE through the 19th centuries CE, approved of African slavery, and of economic servitude, and segregated schools, and anti-miscegenation laws: because Cham, the ancestor of all dark-skinned humans, laughed at his naked father, and thereby fell under "the curse of Cham," a.k.a., "the African curse."
In 1873, Pope Pius reminded the world that "Slavery [...] is not at all contrary to the natural and divine law"; but he prayed, nonetheless, that "Almighty God may, eventually, remove the curse of Cham" from the neck of the Negro, even though it was basically an okay thing for God to have done, since Cham and the Negroes totally deserved it.
Just fifteen years later, the Lord partly answered Pope Pius's prayer to lift His African curse: Roman Catholic Brazil became the last independent nation on the planet to abolish slavery.
But before you start the name-calling – before you refer to men of God (from Abraham to Saint Paul to Pope Pius to Dr. David Duke) as "racist knuckleheads," just remember this: you, too, shall stand, one day, before the Judgment Seat of Almighty God – and what will you do then? Do you intend to call the Father, the Son, and the holy Ghost "racist knuckleheads"? – just because they, too, happen to agree with the Holy Bible?
See you at my place. I'll leave a light on for you.
– L.
