Okay, I'm back. I had a nice chat with my old comrade, the archangel Gabriel, while I was off-planet. He informs me that Jesus has delayed his return for another year, so don't expect him to show in 2009. But what of that?
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
***
When Adam and Eve were out of earshot – this was at a moment when the poison ivy drama was just getting under way – Yahveh turned to the holy Ghost and admitted to what He has said was just a "harmless" fib:
"Behold," He said, "the human has become like one of Us, knowing both good and evil. If he should now put forth his hand and eat from the Tree of Life, he would live forever..." (Gen. 3:22)
Eve, when she heard that divine admission, screamed right in God's face, saying, "Would that I had listened to Snake while I had the chance! That's just what he said would happen!" But the Lord just smiled that maddeningly pious, self-righteous smile of His, and said nothing.
The LORD God then evicted Adam from the Garden of Eden, to farm the dirt of the ground from whence he was taken. (Gen. 3:22-23)
He also evicted Eve from the Garden, calling upon two angels who marshaled your indignant mother out of the Garden, kicking and scratching. Smoking mad, Eve looked over her shoulder at Yahveh as they hauled her away and shouted some words at God that I didn't even know she knew.
I do admire Eve for speaking up. But there was no changing Dad's mind. To ensure that your parents did not sneak back into the Garden and steal magical fruit from the Tree of Life and achieve immortality, the Lord dispatched angelic guards with a mechanical flaming sword:
After expelling Adam, God placed Cherubims at the east gate of the Garden of Eden, and a flaming sword that turned every which way, to block the way to the Tree of Life. (Gen. 3:24)
God thereby prevented Adam and Eve from living forever. And so that they would not also run around butt-naked forever, or suffer again from poison ivy underwear, the Lord with his own hands sewed modest leather outfits, which He commanded Adam and Eve to wear – a masculine tunic for him, and a matching feminine dress for her (Gen. 3:10).
Adam and Eve after that settled east of Eden, where they built a house, and ran a small farm, and had five beautiful children – three sons (Cain, Abel, Seth), and two daughters (Isis and Nephthys).
As with any other family, there were occasional squabbles, as when the oldest boy, Cain, slew his little brother, Abel, and for the usual reason, a quarrel over God (Gen. 4:1-10).
Yahveh was so displeased with the incident that he cursed Cain, saying: "Cain, thou shalt become a fugitive and a vagabond on the earth" (Gen. 4:11).
"You think so?" said Cain (in a very adolescent tone of voice). Cain peeled a banana, took a bite, and said with a full mouth: "None of your curses ever comes true, Sir."
"Try telling that to the snakes on this planet," said Yahveh. "See what they have to say about it!" (Gen. 4:12).
Ignoring the curse, Cain married his lovely sister, Isis, and settled down, and established the Earth's first city.
So the Lord made a new prophecy, saying: "Cain, thou shalt not become a fugitive after all! I have changed My mind! But if anyone should ever hurt you because you hurt your brother, I shall hurt that person seven times worse!" (Gen. 4:13-16).
And that prophecy did come true.
In the centuries that followed, Cain and Seth "knew" their sisters, well and often. By the time the two girls reached menopause at the age of 400 years old, humans could be found throughout the Middle East (Gen. 4:17, 25-26). So from Adam and Eve's point of view, the whole Fall of Man incident seemed to work out okay for them. After that first taste of the fatal fruit, Adam lived for 930 years, and Eve, for 936; by which time, neither of them could even remember the Garden of Eden (Gen. 5:5); although Adam never forgot the poison ivy incident.
And that is the true history of Intelligent Design and the origin of human life, already taught throughout the state of Kansas, and coming soon to science classes in a public grade school near you.
– L.
