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Creation Week. Six thousand years ago, in the year 4000 BCE, on what we now would call a "Saturday" evening, just 72 hours before the spring equinox, the universe as we know it began of a sudden when the Son and the holy Ghost said, on the count of three, "Let there be light," and Yahveh granted their wish: He let light happen. Some people now call that event the "the Big Bang," but it didn't just “happen,” it happened according to Dad's intelligent design (
Genesis 1:1). Here is the exact timeline:
• For all prior eternity until Day 1: Intelligent Planning and Design phase.
• Day 1 (24 hrs.): The Big Bang, the sky, the Earth, day and night (Gen. 1.1-5).
• Day 2 (24 hrs.): The Earth's oceans, rivers, and continents (Gen. 1.6-10).
• Day 3 (24 hrs.): The Earth's plants (Gen. 1.11-13).
• Day 4 (24 hrs.): The sun, moon, and stars (Gen. 1.14-19).
• Day 5 (24 hrs.): The Earth's fish, birds, and all "flying things" (Gen. 1:20-23).
• Day 6 (midnight till noon): Wild animals, beasts, livestock, and "crawly things"; and, after a short break, Adam and Eve (Gen. 1:24-25).
Perhaps I should clear up one small, boring point of confusion before we get started. In Genesis, chapter 1, the order of Creation, days 2 through 6, is as follows: (2)
Earth and its waters, (3)
plants, (4)
sun, moon, and stars, (5)
birds and flying things, (6)
mammals and crawly things, and Adam and Eve. And that is so true! But in Genesis, chapter 2, the holy Ghost writes that days 2 through 6 were actually in the order: (2)
Adam, and plants (
except trees); (3)
rivers and trees, (4)
mammals and crawly things, (5)
birds and flying things; and (6)
Eve.
What often happens is that a first-time reader of the Bible will get as far as chapter two, and then stop short and say, "Huh? Can't this Author keep His story straight, even for the first two
pages?" But those people are missing the point, which is that chapter 1 reports the "historical truth" while chapter 2 represents the "spiritual truth" of the Creation. In version two, God juggles cosmic history a bit, in order to remind His readers of two spiritual verities: (a.) Man did not just come first, woman second; no, man came way first; and (b.) Everything was fine with the Universe until the woman came along on Day 6.
God calls this writing strategy "poetic license." If it's Your world, and if You're the one Who's telling the story, and if You're still unhappy with the woman whose disobedience threw a monkey wrench into the whole Intelligent Design, and if You also happen to be omniscient, and all-powerful, and omnipresent, and self-important, and (not to put too fine a point on it) a raving
schizophrenic, then You are entitled to improvise in Your autobiography, or even to begin contradicting Yourself in the second chapter: and if the secular humanists and evolutionists and feminists don't like Your poetic license, they can either go screw themselves, or go read the Book of Mormon – (a book that was actually composed by my friend Beelzebub – just another one of his little pranks – but that's a whole different story).
The Lord wanted the Earth to be a comfy planet: no earthquakes, no tsunamis, no volcanoes, no storms, no scorching heat, no bitter cold, no sickness, no suffering, no death. God created Earth with a complete ozone layer, a rain forest, an ice cap, and healthy oceans full of fish. Then He made Eve, and Eve made Him angry, and the whole original, intelligent design fell to pieces. At which point, after all of His hard work, I have it on good authority that the Lord came very close to saying the F word, albeit in ancient Hebrew.
Today, whatever you don't like about your life (
bad job, stupid spouse, ungrateful kids, money problems, car trouble, leaky roof, cellulite, dust allergies, hemorrhoids, seasonal affect disorder, credit card debt), and whatever you don't like about the Earth (
bacteria, mosquitoes, snakes, mildew, inoculations, death, the dentist's office) – absolutely every bad thing in your sorry life is a direct result of "the Fall of Man," which (according to God's Word) was caused by the Fall of Woman). If it were not for a woman's disobedience, you would be as innocent, and as happy, as a baby lamb leaping through fields of daffodils and clover on a sunny day in April. Every illness, every heartache, every erection you have ever suffered, happened to you because that woman put something into her mouth that did not belong there, a piece of forbidden fruit, and I'm not talking about Monica Lewinsky, I'm talking about your very own Earth mother, Eve.
– L.
