Now some of you who are reading today will doubtless remember the Rev. Kyle Lake, may he rest in peace.  On Halloween Sunday (31 October 2005), at the University Baptist Church in Waco, Texas, Pastor Lake led his congregation in liturgical prayer, saying, "Surprise me, O God!  Amen!"

With hands raised in prayer, the congregation of 800 said aloud, in unison:  "Surprise me, O God!  Amen!"

When the prayer was over, Pastor Lake, 33, descended into the sanctuary's chest-deep baptismal pool, to immerse some fifteen smiling converts in the name of the Father, the Son, and the holy Ghost.   He gave a gentle tug on the microphone cord.

Oops, what a big surprise, O God!  

Kyle Lake's faith in Jesus was well grounded that day, but the microphone was not.  The poor man lit up like a child's sparkler on the Fourth of July, or like St. Elmo's Fire on a sailboat mast in a thunderstorm on the high seas, or like a mosquito on a Bug Zapper®.  

The congregation of 800, all ages, were nearly as shocked as the minister himself – and what a long, drawn-out shock it was, because the Lord mischievously kept the circuit breaker from tripping.

Pastor Lake might have known.  It was only a few years earlier, in neighbouring Louisiana, that Jesus played the same olde fry-ye-preacher jest on the Rev. John Allen of the Victory Life Church, in Larose.  Pastor Allen did not pray, "Surprise me, O God," but he did venture to baptise fifteen converts on the same day.  During the thirteenth baptism, having grown tired of the show, Jesus electrocuted Pastor Allen with his own microphone.

Kyle Lake was not a bad guy, nor even a bad Christian.  But what was the man thinking?  "Surprise me, O God," is exactly the kind of prayer that the Lord loves to answer with an ironic twist, especially on such traditional holy days as Halloween.   Pastor Lake might just as well have asked his congregation to pray: "Trick or treat, O Lord!"

I'm no minister of the gospel – truly, I may have missed my calling, in that respect – but I have studied the Holy Bible well enough to know that you should never, ever, let slip with an audacious prayer such as "Surprise me, O God!" unless you're wearing full body armor and have no dependent children.

But how's this for a surprise? on the very same Halloween that Jesus fried Pastor Lake of Waco, he also whacked Pastor Frye, in a lake!  Halfway around the world, the pastor of the Jerusalem Apostolic Church in Johannesburg, South Africa, was conducting a sunrise baptism, when the rock on which he was standing started to give way.  Rev. Frye prayed, "Whoops! Don't surprise me like that, O Lord!" – but the Lord surprised him anyway, sucking Pastor Frye into a deep pool enclosed by a steep ravine.  The minister dragged along with him the last of fifteen converts who was to have been baptised that day – an unlucky parishioner named "Duncan," who was drowned by the Lord, evidently, just for the sake of a bad pun.  (I'm not kidding --  you can look it up on Lexis-Nexis.)

Piece of advice:  if you're a Christian newbie getting baptised immersion style, and if you're last in line to be dunked, then don't let the minister or anyone else talk you out of wearing a mask, snorkel, fins, and life vest as you step into the water.

Jesus has small patience for a Protestant baptismal service that goes on for too long:  In August 1992, in the Vaal RiveR – this was on the other side of town from where Duncan and Rev. Frye perished – the baptism of fifteen Christian newbies of the Zion Baptist Church dragged on for two hours; this, following a somewhat tedious sermon.  Tired of watching, Jesus simply drowned the last three converts.  (The victims didn’t mind—they went straight to heaven, to be with the Lord; but it was tough on their loved ones.)   A few years later, in April 1998, during overlong baptismals, the Lord bagged sixteen (!) victims in the same way, on four different continents, in the same week, including three Protestant ministers and a Baptist Bishop!  On the Suncoast beach near Durban – and this was last year, perhaps you saw it in the papers – Jesus drowned five believers with a single wave.  It happened when the minister of the New Corinthian Church persuaded the Nxumalo twins, in the name of Christ, that their fear of entering the water together (along with the other fourteen converts) was a pagan African superstition that must be suppressed.  "Have faith, my sons," he said.  "Contrary to ancient lore, Christian twins may safely enter the water together."  But as soon as the twins had waded forth together into waist-deep water, the Lord sent an enormous wave that drowned one of the Nxumalo twins, plus the minister and three Christian companions.

Sometimes, He naps while the service drags on, and strikes later.  A few months ago, near Aracai in southeast Brazil, they had one of those wholesale baptisms, where the preacher dunked some two dozen penitents.  A wave came at the last minute, after everyone was already out of the water.  No one drowned.  Phew!  But on the way home, a family of twelve was suddenly swept away in a flash flood, including  a pregnant mother, a two-year-old girl, and an eight-year-old boy.  

Historical records confirm the testimony of Scripture that Jesus will sit through as many as twelve baptisms in one service without growing impatient (Acts 19:4-7).  Thirteen is pushing your luck.  Fifteen is at least three too many, so don't be surprised when Jesus drowns someone, including the minister.  And don't be surprised if the Lord is still chuckling, weeks later, even if no one else thinks that the drownings or the electrocutions were all that funny.

 – L.

 

(Up next--INTELLIGENT DESIGN!)