***
Moses is the only man of God who ever saw Yahveh skyclad in the full monty. Not at first. Whenever Moses met God on Mount Sinai to receive the next set of new commandments, Yahveh hid himself behind a cloud. Moses could hear God's deep, booming voice coming from the vapor, but it was like talking to Darth Vader, which piqued Moses' curiosity.
Back in Egypt, when Moses was still plaguing Pharaoh to let God's people go, the Pharaoh's priests had this saying (I'm translating loosely) – "Be careful, your Highness, the Hebrew god, Yahveh, has his codpiece in a twist " – which Moses thought was a blasphemous thing to say, and inappropriate, because the Lord's loins and midriff are not something that anyone except a Jewish prophet should be thinking about. It's like saying, "What Would Jesus Do?" That's fine, if it's a question of loving your neighbour, or your neighbour's wife, or shopping for a new car, or whom to bomb, but it's not okay for anyone to ask, "What Would Jesus Do for underwear?" or "What Would Jesus Say when he farted?" Those are just totally inappropriate questions, and I'm not going to answer them for you.
Still, the Egyptian priests had put the bug in Moses' craw and he could not help but wonder what the Lord looks like. Does Yahveh appear big or little to mortal eyes? black-bearded or white, youthful or ancient, pink or bright-amber, fully robed or not-so-fully-robed? If (b.), then would His fiery loins appear to be circumcised, humanly speaking? or is that not a permitted question?
Moses brought his curiosity to the Lord in prayer, many times, crying out, "How long, O Lord?" – but he never received a specific answer, in inches, as Ezekiel did.
After speaking with the priests of Pharaoh—whose deities included Isis, Hathor, and Qetesh –Moses’ spirit was troubled with the question,
What if Yahveh is a woman? or a eunuch? What difference would that make, theologically speaking? One day on Mt. Sinai, the Lord spoke from the cloud and said, "Moses, you have found grace in my sight, and I know you by name."
This was the cue Moses had been waiting for. His curiosity got the best of him:
Moses said, "I beg of you, Lord, show me yourself in your full glory."
And Yahveh said, "I will make my full goodness appear before you. And I will proclaim the name, Yahveh, before you. And I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and I will show mercy on whom I will show mercy."
That was fine, said Moses, patiently (he'd heard it all before); but what he
really wanted was for Yahveh to exhibit Himself in the glorious full monty.
God worked out a compromise:
The Lord said, "Lo, you may not view My front side, for there shall no man see that, and survive." Then Yahveh said, "But behold, there is a place by Me, where you shall stand on a rock. And it shall come to pass, when I in My glory walk by, that I will put you in a cleft of the rock. And I will cover you with My hand as I walk past. I will then take away My hand, and you shall see My hinder parts. But My front side must not be seen. (Exodus 33:18-23, KJV)
Moses promised not to peek.
The Lord came down from the cloud. He put Moses in the cleft of a rock. He removed His hand. And He stood there for a moment as Moses worshiped the Divine Form, from behind.
In none of the five books that he wrote about God, does Moses describe what Yahveh's hinder parts actually look like, so I am afraid I cannot satisfy your curiosity on that point. (The great church father, Saint Origen, speculated that Yahveh is globular, having just one broad, round, unvented buttock, not two smaller ones; which makes good sense, when you think about it [
p.s. --which I don't])
But the Lord was missing something else, as well –
What He missed was the choral music. Moses informs us in the Book of Exodus that God on this particular trip to Earth had journeyed without His usual band of herald angels to sing their usual hymns of praise.
Caught without His heavenly choir, the Lord sang a song of Himself, in His own voice, a deep, booming alto:
Standing there before Moses, Yahveh proclaimed the name, "Yahveh!" Having walked past Moses, the LORD sang out, "Yahveh! Yahveh God! Merciful and gracious! Patient! Abundant in goodness and truth! Keeping mercy for thousands! Forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin! Yahveh, who will not simply excuse the guilty but will instead avenge the sins of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children's children, unto the third and to the fourth generations! Yahveh!" (Exod. 34:6-7)
What a voice! powerful and deep, like a young Tennessee Ernie Ford, or Gomer Pyle! And how the Lord cheered Himself on! For one fleeting moment, in my mind's eye, I could almost imagine your heavenly Father in a jumper with a big Y on His bosom, and a pleated skirt, and bright amber panties, shaking pompons and leaping and shouting –
Give Me a Y! Y!
Give Me an H! H!
Give Me a V! V!
Give Me another H! H!
Wudduz it spell? YAHVEH!
– as Moses watched from behind.
Sometimes I think the Lord must be terribly insecure.
No, strike that thought. That thought is what first got me into trouble. Dad is a lot more secure than you may think. He just wants His creatures to know that He's fiery hot, the hottest god you ever didn't see.
Well, I know just the place for Him.
– L.
