***
The Lord flew Ezekiel, "the Son of Man," all over town, showing him one utterly detestable thing after another. (In fact, it was during this very flight, while hanging by his hair from Yahveh's fist, that Ezekiel saw with his own eyes what Miss O'Holebah had been doing. I'll get to Miss O'Holebah in a minute.)
God finally set Ezekiel back down in the street, just outside Jerusalem's "Dung Gate," conveniently near the hill where the prophet used to shop for groceries. But Ezekiel, after his sky-ride with the Lord, was a profoundly changed man. After returning to Earth, the Son of Man seemed like one of those American Apollo astronauts who went to the moon perfectly sane, and who came home nuttier than a Payday candy bar.
The holy Ghost caused Ezekiel thereafter to preach wild and railing sermons against women, especially against flat-chested virgins who "sew pillows on arm-holes," to enhance their figure; and against women who menstruate, which is something that many women between the ages of 14 and 50 actually did do, in those days (
Ezek. 18:6, 13:18-20, KJV) – neither of which activities, however, seemed, to the Jewish women of Ezekiel's time, like such a horrific crime.
(The sinful women of Jerusalem who heard Ezekiel preach reasoned this way: "Even if a fellow gets to second base, and removes a girl's bodice, only to discover that it is the wrong time of the month,
plus that he has been hoodwinked by a padded bosom, I mean, so
what? Life will go on!")
Ezekiel railed most bitterly against teenaged maidens "whose breasts have been fondled and their virgin bosoms caressed" by their boyfriends (
Ezek. 23:3-4). But the women of Jerusalem said that this was "the old
Damned if you do, damned if you don't thing, all over again. "If you are a woman," said the women of Jerusalem, "Who can satisfy these prophets of God?"
To illustrate the evils of petting upstairs, "the Son of Man" (i.e., Ezekiel) told his disciples a sad, true story of two teenaged virgins with the quaint, almost Irish-sounding names of Miss O'Holah (of Samaria) and Miss O'Holebah (of Jerusalem).
The trouble started in the usual way, when Miss O'Holah permitted her boyfriend to cop a feel, and to "caress her virgin bosom."
One thing led to another. Soon Miss O'Holah was no longer satisfied with just one boyfriend, or with light petting.
The Son of Man tells how Miss O'Holah, eager for more, opened a brothel in Egypt, where "men lay with her to fondle her virgin breasts—and then they poured out their lust upon her" (
Ezek. 23:8).
This was before the days of Islam – today, the women of Cairo would never get away with that kind of behaviour.
Actually, you could not get away with it in Ezekiel's day, either: For even though brothels, in those days, were quite popular, Ezekiel reports that Miss O'Holah was stabbed and killed by a man of God. He reports also that the man of God, before he killed her, had sex with her— in order to prove, to his own satisfaction, that Miss O'Holah was guilty as charged. Then he stabbed her to death, to please God (
Ezek. 23:10).
The younger virgin, Miss O'Holebah, failed to learn from Ms. O'Holah's mistake: Ezekiel tells how Miss O'Holebah quickly graduated from light petting upstairs with a nice Jewish boyfriend ... to hot bestial sex with men "whose penis is like a donkey's" and "whose ejaculation is like that of a horse" — which is something that even Ms. O'Holah, naughty as she was, never did (
Ezek. 23:20-21).
I know already what you are thinking. You are wondering if Miss O'Holebah's lovers were truly that well hung. "No one is
that well hung," I hear you say, “except, of course, an actual donkey."
By this time, you may already have Googled "longest human penis on record." If so, you have discovered that the largest medically verified human penis was 13.5 inches long and 6.25 inches around, belonging to an African American railroad lineman, as measured in 1920 by Dr. Bob Dickinson, after only moderate rubbing. (Miss O'Holebah would have loved that guy!)
Next you are Googling "shortest donkey penis on record."
Now,
subtract. Voila! you have just discovered that the biblical story of Miss O'Holebah and her detestable lovers is no exaggeration, but God's own literal truth.
Such things could not happen in our own modern times. If there is a woman alive today who wants to make love to a man whose ejaculation is like that of a horse, then that woman does not know horses. I have consulted with my friend Arnie, a racetrack vet, who assures me that your average modern stallion will squirt out as much as seven liters.
Seven liters! Imagine it! In just
one equine orgasm.
Arnie's information certainly helps me to visualize the prophet Ezekiel's remark, that Miss O'Holebah's lovers "poured out their lust upon her." (I don't even want to
think about it. But oops, I already did, and now I can’t get that damp picture out of my head.)
What a statistic! Seven liters! But I think Arnie must be mistaken. I mean, one liter,
maybe. Either that, or the holy Ghost, in just this one instance, may have let his imagination run away with him. My guess is that Miss O'Holebah was not doing altogether according to the rumour of it, not even if her lovers were five-cubit-tall Zamzummin giants, with basketball testicles and a—but never mind.
Still, Miss O'Holebah was spunky, no doubt about it. That is why the Lord commanded her husband to cut off her nose and ears (
Ezek. 23:25); which was the punishment exacted thereafter by Bible-believing husbands on the adulterous wives who cuckolded them, until well into the seventeenth century of the Christian Era.
Anyway, the main point of Ezekiel's story is that your ordinary man of God can never satisfy the Jewish women of Samaria (like Miss O'Holah), or the Jewish women of Jerusalem (of whom Miss O'Holebah was just one representative example). Truly, those women, with just a
look -– with just a grin, or a raised eyebrow – could make your upright man of God feel like he is about
that small (
Ezek. 23:4).
But the main reason I have re-told that story, just now, is that I got distracted by Ezekiel's shocking description of how he looked up and caught that glimpse of Yahveh's "burning loins," which is a sight that I have never even seen myself, and do not wish to see, and would not ever ask to see. In my Heaven days (i.e., long ago, before I got kicked out), God always wore a toga, thank God!
But just wait until you hear what Moses saw, when he looked up and saw God – and I'm not talking about a burning bush!
– L.
