***
Unlike Jesus, the apostles generally preferred the Fuzzy or "Misty Thing" prophecy, which they turned into an art form. Those twelve rascals—thirteen, counting Paul, who was the worst offender—issued the foggiest predictions I ever heard. Some examples:
• "Behold, we will live, and do this or that, if it is the LORD's will!" (James: James 4:15).
• "Scoffers will come, scoffing!" (PeterL 2 Peter 3:3).
• "God will send them strong delusion and make them believe a lie, so that He may damn every one of them to Hell who believed not the truth!" (Paul: 1 Thes. 2:11-12).
• "A short work will the LORD work upon the Earth!" (Paul: Rom. 9:28).
• "Lo, I will come to you and I shall take your lampstand!" (John: Rev. 2:5).
• "I see a vision of Jesus Christ returning to Earth, and he's wearing plaid!" (Lucifer).
No, I'm joking about that last one, but seriously, your daily newspaper horoscope reads like a technical manual, compared to a typical New Testament prophecy by one of the Twelve original apostles, or by Saint Paul the knucklehead.
The Four Virgins were not like that. The Four Virgins a Cappella did not just sing you Fuzzy apostolic prophecies. They did not sing you to sleep. They sang you the
Who, What, Why, Where, When, How, and
How Much, and they hit it, every time.
As their prophecies came true, one after another, the legend of the Antioch virgins just grew. By mid-century, Philip's singing vestals quartet had booked tours of Judaea, Syria, Asia Minor, the Adriatic coast, and points west as far as Syracuse and Malta. Dressed in white robes, with powder-blue kerchiefs on their heads, they performed for every Christian congregation who wanted to hear them, and of course everyone did (
1 Cor. 11:5).
Everyone, that is, except Paul! Saint Knucklehead so hated his girlish competitors that he watched for an opportunity to shut them up. He insinuated that The Four Virgins were cheaters (not true!). He said that they had been praying to the late Virgin Mary, and were getting feedback. (Okay, maybe
that's true, but since when is a Christian virgin's communion with the Virgin Mary called
cheating? Who but a Protestant would say something that stupid? – and Protestants were not even
invented yet!). Paul said further that the girls' father, Saint Philip, was "probably doing time-warp travel," and returning with news of the future so that his daughters could sing about it. (But Saint Philip traveled only by space-warp; he was never a time-traveler [
Acts 8:39-40]).
Maybe The Four Virgins did cheat a little, one time, but that was my fault, not theirs. Just before Saint Paul embarked on his first missionary journey, The Four Virgins sang a song about how his boat would sink, and all of the passengers would be saved. In the third stanza, they sang the exact date (15 July, 46 CE), and the place (off the coast of Salamis).
Paul prayed in Jesus' name for the catastrophe to be averted. He was confident that his prayer was answered. And to be perfectly truthful, I think Yahveh
did hear that particular prayer. For on the appointed day, at the designated hour, Paul's boat was sailing merrily along in the Mediterranean, sunny skies, gentle breeze, no storm in sight.
Call it an act of chivalry or mischief, as you like: as sunset approached, and still no storm, I sank Paul's boat myself, by punching a hole in the hull – and down it went! So the girls’ prophecy came true, after all.
Yahveh didn't really care that I did it, so long as no one drowned. "Hey, go ahead, it's not
My boat!" – that was the Lord's attitude about it! That's always His attitude!
(
Believe me, I know what I'm talking about: I once owned a beautiful 90-foot gaff-rigged schooner, down in the Gulf – and that bastard, Gabriel, sank it, during a sudden squall. Gabriel said it was a “payback,” from the apostle Paul! And that still pisses me off! Because I loved that yacht! And it was underinsured! And I was on board, when it sank!)
16 July, 46 CE. Paul made it safely to shore, astride a half-empty beer keg, lamenting that four of his early epistles were lost. (That they were never recovered is why the New Testament has in it only 66 books, instead of 70, as originally planned). So I guess you could say that I saved the day, that day! And I guess you could say that The Four Virgins owe me one!
– L.
(
Tomorrow: Saint Paul's revenge!)
