***

… When it came to accuracy, clarity, and specificity, the Twelve Apostles, plus Paul, could not hold a candle to the Four Virgins a Cappella.  The apostles – and I'm telling no tales out of school here, everyone knew it – were pretty clueless when they ventured into prophecy.  Paul's favourite device was to "prophesy in tongues" (1 Cor. 14:18).  I don't mean the Latin or Greek or Aramaic or English tongue.  When the apostle Paul prophesied “in tongues,” it was always something like "Jimoogah schlepotnik corn chenvoth na-na heeper gongalopp" (Acts 19:6). Then something terrible would happen, such as a lunar eclipse, and Paul would say, "Aha!  it has fallen out just as the holy Ghost predicted, through me, when I spoke in tongues last week, at the Wednesday Night Prayer Meeting!" (1 Cor. 12-14).

There were just two prophecies that all twelve apostles plus Paul ever agreed upon:

Question 1. When will Jesus return to Earth?

Correct answer:  "Any minute now; but certainly by 80 CE, before this first generation of disciples dies out.  And once Jesus makes his move, the world will be ended before you can say 'Jimmy crack corn and I don't care!'" (1 Cor. 7:29-31, 10:11, 15:51-52; 1 Thes. 4:15-17, 5:1-11; 1 Peter 4:7, 1 John 1:18, my paraphrase).

Question 2.  How will Jesus return to Earth?

Correct answer:  "He will come like a cat-burglar in the night, shooting as a lightning bolt from east to west, then dropping from a cloud over Jerusalem, like a vulture onto a carcass." (q.v., Peter: 2 Peter 3:10; John: Revelation 3:3, Paul: 1 Thessalonians 5:2-4).

The reason that twelve out of twelve apostles, plus Paul, got that second prophecy right is that Jesus had promised: "I will come again like a cat-burglar in the night, shooting as a lightning bolt from east to west, then dropping from a cloud over Jerusalem, like a vulture onto a carcass!" (Matt. 24:27-28, 43).  So that was a pretty good hint, straight from the Lord's own mouth.

And the reason twelve out of twelve apostles, plus Paul, got the first answer wrong is that Jesus had also promised: "This very generation will see the end of the universe, when these things are fulfilled!  Many of these my disciples standing here today will not die, but shall see me returning from Heaven, in power and glory, to judge all mankind" (Matt. 16:27-28, 21:34, 26:64; Mark 9:1, 13:30, 14:62; Luke 9:27, 21:26-35).

Unfortunately, the apostles never knew when Jesus was truly serious and when he was just toying with their heads  – but is that Jesus' fault?

Okay, maybe it is.  But Jesus reserves the right to say whatever is necessary to keep his disciples on their toes.  If he had said, "Sorry, boys, but I may be gone for some time, at least two thousand years," the disciples would have quit the missionary work and gone fishing – which is what most of them did, anyway; or they would have done something even worse, such as fornication.

On the third big prophetic question – "Why will Jesus return" – not one of the apostles could come up with a convincing reason.  So they took a vote, and this is answer that won: "to burn the Earth to a cinder!" (Luke 12:49, 21:22; 2 Peter 3:10-12;  Rom.12:19; 2 Thes. 1:8; Heb. 10:30).

When forecasting historical events besides the End of the World, the apostles had just two types of prophecy, the "Sure Thing" and the "Misty Thing" (as Saint Peter called them, 2 Peter 1:19, 2:17).

Jesus had a special fondness for the Sure Thing prediction.  He could rattle them off faster than you or I could recite a grocery list:  

“One people shall fight against another. Nation shall rise against nation.”

“There shall be earthquakes in various places.”

“Also, famine, and pestilence, and frightening events....”
                (Luke 21:10-11). 

I have not visited Heaven in a long time, but I'm guessing that whenever there is a war somewhere on the planet Earth, or an earthquake, or an epidemic, or a solar eclipse, or starvation, or a frightening event, Yahveh flashes Jesus a big thumbs-up, and says, "Good call, Son!  Your prophecy was right on the money!"

(Tomorrow:  the Four Virgins go cheek to jowl with the Twelve Apostles!)