Lucifer's True History of Everything
Jun 3, 07 08:25 PM
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The Sixteen Disciples (cont.)
(16.) Mathias. After Judas got blown to fragments all over Assoldama, the Twelve were once again minus one man, yet they had no Rabboni to help them choose a substitute; so they chose one all on their own, by drawing straws, an iffy method not unlike the Vatican's white-or-black-smoke system for choosing a new Pope.
Now anyone in those days could call himself a "disciple" of Christ. (Some things never change!) But to qualify as an official "apostle," you had to be (a.) Jewish, and (b.) male, and (c.) born again, and (d.) circumcised, and (e.) someone who had known Jesus of Nazareth personally, before he took off.
The Eleven bona fide apostles had a pool of exactly two holy men who fit the profile: (1.) Joseph Justus; and (2.) Mathias.
The two candidates drew lots. The long straw, and apostlehood, fell to Mathias. He beamed.
Joseph Justus, obviously disappointed, said a quiet farewell to Simon Peter, with a cold henpecky kiss on the cheek, and he said goodbye to Mathias, with a simple hand gesture. He then walked out the door and was never heard from again, either in the New Testament or inside a church.
Mathias said: "J.J.! What a sore loser! What a bar-sobbas!" (and you can just guess what that phrase means, in English [Acts 1:23]).
Mathias then said, proudly: "Well! I guess whenever we Twelve apostles wish, hereafter, to discover the will of Almighty God, drawing lots is actually a pretty good system" (Acts 1:24-26).
A few months later, everyone else was saying, "Well, maybe not." For Mathias – an apostle whom you probably never even heard of – was an even bigger loser than Joseph Justus would have been (Acts 1:23). Having pulled the long straw, Mathias thereafter loved nothing better than to strut like a turkeycock in his fancy red uniform, as when he and the other eleven apostles assembled for a conference. But when it came to the missionary work, Mathias was pretty lazy.
Like many modern-day evangelicals, nothing could motivate Mathias to get out there and save other people's souls from Hell. I actually know Episcopalians who have led more sinners to Christ than the "apostle," Mathias ever did! Mathias had the evangelistic fervour of a Unitarian Universalist. Which is why the five apostolic ringleaders (Simon Peter, Philip, Thomas, James, and John) starting calling Mathias "Atzal" (Lazy); as in the common complaint, "Mathias! —what an atzal iscariot!"
In short, slothful Mathias took the Four Steps to Peace with God as far as necessary for his own conversion, then sat down on the spiritual couch and never got up again to convert others in need of salvation. Do you want to know just how lazy this man was? I'll tell you: Mathias could have won a million in the Iberian Lottery, and he would not have walked to the corner bank to "convert" the pesos. Yet he called himself an "evangelical"! The apostle Mathias was no more evangelical than a fire hydrant or a hitching-post.
(17.) Last, but not least – no, "least" is hardly inappropriate; yes, I'd say "least" is just about the right word; in fact, definitely least...
Last, and least, bringing up the rear, a long decade after Jesus died and had gone to Heaven, came apostle no. 17 – "Paul the Apostle," i.e., Saul of Tarsus, who knew Jesus about as well as I know Saint Francis of Assisi (whom I saw only once – ironically, on Via S. Paolo, in 1227 CE – and I was so gobsmacked, I fell right on my ass! But does that incident give me the right to be called, "Lucifer the Franciscan Friar"? I think not!).
Before Saul-Paul came along, most of the actual missionary work was done by just four bona fide apostles, Peter, Philip, James, and John, one of whom slept a lot, all four of whom were frustrated with the dreadfully slow progress whereby the spread of Christianity was to destroy classical civilization. And that is why Jesus, over Simon Peter's objection, finally brought on board Saul of Tarsus as the newest member. But Paul had not known Jesus of Nazareth as the other sixteen did, not until that day when Jesus introduced himself on the Road to Damascus. Saul-Paul's claim to be called an "apostle" was therefore considered pretty shaky, from the get-go (1 Cor. 15:9).
There was no small tension between Simon Peter, known now as "Papa Cephas," and Paul, who wished to be called the new "Rabboni" (1 Tim. 2:7, 2 Tim. 1:11, et al.). The two great leaders worked it out like so: All of the apostles would be schooled by Rabboni Paul in matters of Christian doctrine, including such matters as the "Total Depravity of Man" and "the Essential Inferiority of Women"; and they would defer to him as well in such practical health concerns as "How to Handle Uncircumcised Members." But Papa Cephas would still get to wear the White Beanie.
So that was the agreement. Paul then basically hijacked the whole religion. But you already know that story.
Well, if you're still interested in the apostle Paul, and if you want to read more about him than I've already told you, check out his epistles in the New Testament. And if you believe everything that Paul has written there while under the influence of the holy Ghost, then that's even better, because then you can actually meet Paul in person, face to face. (You just have to die first.) But let's move on. My guess is that most of you, by now, have had your fill of Saint Paul.
(Nero's lion felt the exact same way: she ate three bites of the man, and left the rest untouched.)
– L.
Posted by Lucifer at 08:25 PM
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