Lucifer's True History of Everything
May 11, 07 06:48 PM
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The Sixteen Disciples (cont.)
(6, 7, 8, 9.) Four of the sixteen disciples – Saint Matthew, and the three Ben-Alphaeus boys, James, Jude, and Levi – came from the little fishing town of Capernaum. It was Simon Peter of Bethsaida who first hooked Matthew of Capernaum, the tax collector whom Jesus oddly nicknamed "the Physician" (Matt. 9:9-12, Luke 4:23). Doc Matthew, in turn, netted the elder Ben-Alphaeus brothers, James ("Bitza," greedy); and Levi ("Avo," horny). But then Levi eloped with Zoonah (a born-again, middle-aged but comfortably retired Jewish prostitute who called herself "Flaminia Gaia"), and he never returned to the Lord (Mark 2:14, Luke 5:27-32, 6:15-16); after which, Jesus signed on their little brother, Jude Ben-Alphaeus ("Ragal," snoopy), a fellow who is sometimes confused with Judas Iscariot, not only because he has a similar first name, but because he was unpopular, being suspected of possibly squealing to Jesus (as he did later, in the book of Jude) if the other disciples ever did something wrong, such as say "Yahveh" right out loud, or when they "secretly slipped in" and slept behind closed doors with Mary Magdalene (Jude 1:4) – the latter of which is something that the "Dreamer," John, at least, never did (Jude 1:7-8).
As you will remember, the boys' home town of Capernaum is one of several working-class villages for which Jesus prophesied a fate more severe than for Sodom and Gomorrah, no two stones left intact; and he condemned its entire population to spend eternity in Hell, exempting only Matthew and two of three Ben-Alphaeus brothers. One reason for this terrifying curse is that the people of Capernaum refused to believe that the universe and everything in it were created by the 27-year-old Jewish nephew of their neighbour, Zebedee the Fishmonger.
They said, "First, let us see whether Zeb's nephew, Jesus of Nazareth, can perform a miracle!"
Jesus snapped back that the men of that village were far "worse than Sodomites," so "Woe unto you!"
I'm not sure what punishment Jesus had in mind for them. But without my getting into specifics, when Jesus says that the men of Capernaum, or of San Francisco, or of any city, are "worse than Sodomites," you can take it as a warning that those men have been behaving badly and had better repent before getting themselves into deep doo-doo (Matt. 11:23-24, Luke 10:15). The choice was clear: (a.) Christian discipleship, or (b.) certain eternal damnation in a lake of fire. The people of Capernaum, most of them, chose (b.)
(10, 11.) Thomas (whom Jesus called "Didymus," grumpy), and fat Nathanael ("Tshit," drunk [no relation to what that word looks like in English]), were a pair of guileless wine-bibbing Israelites from the village of Cana (John 11:16, 1:47). They were identical twins but did not look alike because Nathanael, the fat twin, ate too much and drank too much. He loved nothing better than to sit under a fig tree all day long, getting drunk while waiting, patiently, for a ripe fig, which some people said is "more than Jesus can do" (John 1:48-50).
Thomas and Nathanael first heard about Jesus from Philip, who told them how Jesus at a Cana wedding feast had turned water into wine ("six three-firkin stone keggers"), during a brief lull when the alcohol supply had given out and everyone was already pretty well schnockered; which Nathanael thought was a cool thing to do, especially for a rabbi (John 2:5-11). That is the same feast where Jesus (who knocked back quite a few, himself, that day, but this was before his ministry really got going, so it's okay) sassed his mother, the Virgin Mary, saying, "Woman, what have I to do with you!" (John 2:4) – which grumpy Thomas thought was a cool thing to say – in fact, Thomas said it to his own mother the next day, when she asked him why he had been out so late.
(Those stinging words of rejection, spoken by Jesus to his mother, are what left the Blessed Virgin with what is known, in Christianity, as her "bleeding heart" – and, in the Judaic tradition, as a "Jewish mother syndrome" – which is why the Lord's original comment has been revised in the New International Version, so as to sound a little less harshly adolescent; but it was not a sin for Jesus to have said it. The Virgin Mary had her good points, but Jesus had to remind her, now and then, not to be so bossy.)
– L.
(On deck: the tragic death of Nathanael!)
Posted by Lucifer at 06:48 PM
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