Lucifer's True History of Everything
May 8, 07 10:48 PM
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The Sixteen Disciples (cont.)
(5.) Philip Bar-Sceva of Bethsaida. When Jesus first met him, cheerful Philip Bar-Sceva was just one more salty-tongued, unwashed, bad-smelling, happy-go-lucky, illiterate Galilean fishmonger. This wonderful man, who had been a childhood friend of Simon Peter, Andrew, James, and John, is the one whom Jesus called "Asher" (jolly). He was easily the Lord's happiest, most optimistic apostle; and he kept fishing for men's souls long after most of the other apostles became depressed and returned to their day-jobs.
After the Resurrection, Philip's special gift was to bring "great jolliness" everywhere he preached (Acts 8:6-8). He is also the only apostle who ever traveled by divine space-warp technology (Acts 8:39-40) – which is how the Trinity Themself usually travel from Heaven to Earth and back! So that was pretty cool, too.
Seeking to find his special niche in the early Church, Happy Philip became leader of "The Seven" (Acts 6:3-5, 19:14, 21:8), a team of exorcists who traveled about removing "dirty spirits" from the brains of deranged beggars. A "dirty spirit" was Philip's jolly word for schizophrenia – and the term was not unapt because crazy people in those days were often kept homeless, unclothed, hungry, and dirty, outside the city walls; and also because they were often seen doing, or were overheard saying, incredibly dirty things. The problem was so pervasive that curious teenaged boys in those days, none of whom, of course, had access to the Internet, nor even to Roman art galleries, would meander over to the camp outside the city walls, just to observe the homeless lunatics who were possessed by dirty spirits.
Concerned parents (Christian and Jew alike) were quite impressed with Philip. Under his ministry of exorcism, "Dirty spirits, screaming with a loud voice, came out of many that were possessed with them" (Acts 8:7).
I wouldn't even say "many." I would say, "most!" Philip Bar-Sceva was too modest to brag about it, but he had a stunning 63% success rate with dirty spirits, better than any other apostle, with only 20% recidivism. Indeed, some of those whom Philip healed eventually reported that they did not have a single dirty thought again after that, but only clean and happy thoughts (and this was long before such aids as Zoloft and Prozac, or cold showers, for that matter).
It was up in Ephesus, in 48 CE, just outside the city wall, that Philip and the Seven finally met their match. They had already healed about a dozen dirty spirits that day when one screaming schizophrenic tore off his clothes (i.e., Philip's), and beat the living crap out of him (Acts 19:15-16). But Philip did not let it get him down. He just thought happy thoughts, such as: "I did need a new toga, after all."
Philip's proudest accomplishment – this was years later, after he stopped mooning over Caroline the Ethiopian, and had settled down in Antioch, and had married a beefy girl named Porcina – Philip always said that his proudest accomplishment was the stupendous success of his daughters, "The Four Virgins" (Acts 21:9).
Pardon me, but I have already gone on too long for today. I haven't the energy to deal with The Four Virgins right this minute; but Philip's daughters were grown-up Christians, they can wait.
In fact, from a parent's point of view, that is just one of the most wonderful things about Christian daughters – they don't mind waiting!
– L.
(Tomorrow: Meet Disciples 6 through 11, the Capernaum and Cana Boys!)
Posted by Lucifer at 10:48 PM
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