The Sixteen Disciples (cont.)
John and James Ben-Zebedee of Bethsaida (disciples 3 & 4):
The next two apostles to be called, James and his younger brother John, were first cousins to Jesus on his mother's side. The Lord's Uncle Zebedee (another Galilean fisherman) begot the two boys upon Salome, a local midwife who, though no virgin herself, was elder sister to the Virgin Mary (John 1:19-20).
Jesus, James, and John went way back. The three boys had played together during family visits when growing up. In the waters off Capernaum, James and John had taught Jesus how to fish. Back in Nazareth, Jesus had taught his cousins how to make clay sparrows, and how to curse Jewish children who misbehaved (as told in the Gospel of James).
One health note: from the time they were small, the Lord's Ben-Zebedee cousins suffered from sinus trouble and chronic allergies. Jesus therefore assigned the boys affectionate nicknames, calling James, "Atash" (Sneezy); and John, "Yashen" (Sleepy), or, sometimes, "my little bird." When together, Jesus called the boys "Boanerges" (the Sons of Thunder), a nickname that began with harmless teasing of his cousins' chronic sneezing and snoring (John 3:17, 13:33-41; 6:57). In the original Aramaic, the Boanerges nickname looks like a mouthful, but it's actually not too hard to pronounce (Boner-jeeze).
As an adult, the younger cousin, Sleepy John, is described in the New Testament as "the disciple whom Jesus loved," and by Saint Peter as "the Teacher's pet" (John 19:26, 20:2, 21:20) – which is not to say that the Rabboni did not also love the others, it's just that his love for his curly-haired "Yashen" (John) was both special, and reciprocated in spades. At formal dinners with the Twelve, cousin John sat always in the place of honour at the Rabboni's right hand (as in Leonardo's "Last Supper"); or, sometimes, on his knee, sound asleep (as in Jacopo Bassano's). After eating a bite or two, the beloved disciple would typically rest his head on the Lord's shoulder, ever so gently (John 13:23). Nodding off, his head would then slide almost imperceptibly onto the Lord's bosom (John 13:25); and, finally, down the Lord's tummy into his lap – at which point, the beloved disciple just lay there under the table, snoring quite loudly, like a true "Yashen" or "Son of Thunder."
Simon Peter (on left) used to smack "Sleepy" John up the side of the head for no good reason, and say, in snappish Aramaic, "Wake up, Twit!"
Christopher Marlowe's allegations and Peter's jealousy notwithstanding, Jesus never let the apostle John's passion get out of hand. The Lord wished only to demonstrate – to the other disciples, and to Sappho fans, and to Pope "Lollipoppa" Benedict IX, and to Marion "Pat" Robertson, and to Fred "Jackass" Phelps, and even to Brokeback Mountain cowboys – that he and cousin John could endure strong temptation without caving (Hebrews 4:15, 1 John 3:9).
Unlike most of the other Galilean disciples, James and John could read and write, not only in Aramaic but also in pidgin Greek; and the holy Ghost eventually tapped sleepy John to collaborate with him in writing five of the New Testament's twenty-seven books, to wit: The Gospel of John the Apostle, which is the most boring and the last-to-be-finished of the holy Ghost's gospels (even John recognised the problem: he continually dozed off while writing it down); also, The First, Second, and Third Epistles of John (a quick read); and The Revelation of John (which is not boring at all, but tells of the amazing, apocalyptic dreams that Sleepy used to have while all of us thought he was just snoring).
Do not be misled by that Third Epistle, which is addressed by sleepy John "To my dear friend, Gaius, whom I love." The letter of 3 John concerns a fellow named "Diotrephes, who loves to be first, [and who] will have nothing to do with us. So if I come," writes St. John to beloved Gaius, "I will call attention to what he is doing, gossiping maliciously about us" (3 John 1:1, 9-10). (Diotrephes, a Christian homophobe, was telling everyone that John and Gaius were gay lovers – only the word that Diotrephes actually used was "Sodomites.") In making this unproved allegation, Diotrephes was possibly deceived by the name, Gaius, which in those days, did not imply actual homosexuality. It meant, quite literally, "transvestite Earth Goddess," from the feminine form, Gaia.
Besides, John also tells his beloved friend Gaius, "I hope soon to visit you, dear one, and to converse with you, face to face, so that our joy may be complete." Note that John does not write, "face to loins," or "my face to the back of your head, to make our joy complete." John's phraseology clearly seems to rule out the Diotrephian reading that "complete joy" refers to male-male spooniness.
– L.
(Tomorrow: Sleepy John's big brother, sneezy James!)
