Lucifer's True History of Everything
Apr 23, 07 01:38 PM
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The Sixteen Disciples (cont.)
Andrew Bar-Jona, the little brother, whom Jesus called "Bash" (Aramaic for bashful), stood always in Simon Peter's shadow. Painfully shy, St. Andrew uttered just one stuttered sentence in the entire course of Jesus' three-year ministry: "There is a little b-b-b-bubba boy over there," said Andrew to the Lord one day, "who has f-f-fuff-five b-bubba-barley loaves and two small fuffuffishes – but what is that, for so many p-p-puh-people?" (John 6:8). Jesus, who was thrilled to hear him say anything at all, stood there patiently until bashful Andrew had completed his sentence (which took some minutes longer than I have just indicated). Jesus then said, "Suffer the little child to come unto me."
Andrew's young acquaintance, the boy with the bag lunch, stood there trembling. Everyone had heard the story of what Jesus, when he was hungry for a fig, did to figless fig trees. The little boy knew that his Mum had put no figs in his lunch that day, nor any day, because he was not a fig-eater. He hated figs. But he wished now that his Mum had given him figs with the five loaves and two fishes because he thought, "When Jesus finds out that I have no figs in my lunch bag, he will say, Let the little child suffer! – and maybe wither me up with a curse, as he did to those fig trees, and to those children over in Nazareth."
Jesus calmed the boy, and took his lunch. With young "Bash" (Andrew) at his side, the Lord then broke each of the boy's five barleybread rolls, and he tore the two sardines in half. Then Jesus did it again, faster. Again. Repeat. How the Lord's fingers flew! The little boy's lunch quickly grew and grew, and grew. In just minutes, Jesus multiplied those five kaiser rolls and two sardines into a Filet-o-Fish feast that fed five thousand people, with twelve bushel-baskets of uneaten fish sandwiches left over, which was roughly 80% of them (John 6:9-14).
(There would not have been such a mountain of fish sandwiches left over, were it not that the sandwiches themselves were a bit dry and tasteless, somewhat "chazerei" – but what of that? I ate one myself, with water, and I didn't really see what everyone was complaining about. I mean, hey, free food.)
(The twelve bushel-baskets, into which Jesus collected the leftovers, were donated by Hamor Bar-Akuz the Weaver. Hamor did not actually intend to donate the baskets—he had hoped to sell them, after the sermon. But Jesus said, “Hey, free bushel-baskets!”)
Sixty years later, as an old man (now grown garrulous) Andrew "Bashful" Bar-Jona, savouring his memories, would tell that story to his grandchildren, and to his prayer buddies, and to anyone who would listen—the story of that glorious, incredible day in 28 CE, when he personally “helped Jesus C-c-c-c-christ, the K-k-k-king of the Jejews, to invent the whole “c-c-c-con-concept of fast food."
– L.
(Tomorrow: Meet Disciples 3 and 4 – the sons of thunder!)
Posted by Lucifer at 01:38 PM
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