Lucifer's True History of Everything
Jan 3, 07 07:57 PM
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True Life of Jesus, cont.
Joseph of Arimathaea – I'll call him Joe, to avoid confusion with Jesus' stepfather, Joseph of Nazareth – came to the holy land from a town that has never been found on any ancient map. But the holy Ghost does not just pull geographical names from out of a hat for the sake of a good Resurrection story. As I recall, Arimathaea was a real place, a tin-panning community on the river Fowey in county Cornwall, England.
Joe had strong Jewish roots for a first-century tin man. In fact, he had recently contracted for a new mausoleum to be built for himself in Jerusalem, hollowed out of solid rock, in the municipal cemetery there; so that, when he died, his final resting place would be in the holy land, near the Temple of Yahveh.
While he was in Jerusalem supervising the construction of the new tomb, Joe was introduced by Mary Magdalene to Jesus and the Twelve – which is not quite what it sounds. It's just that Magdalene and Joe, in their respective capacities, did business with essentially the same crowd of Syrophoenician sailors. (Much of Joe's tin was carried on Syrophoenician boats, from Cornwall, to Rome and to the major Middle Eastern ports).
Later that same week – this was several days before the Crucifixion – Joe was tagging along with Magdalene and the Twelve disciples – just curious, really, still uncertain of the gospel message – when Jesus suddenly lost his temper and whipped the money-changers out of the Temple Courtyard market, with an honest-to-God leather whip, shouting "Woe unto you!" Jesus on that occasion scourged one banker in particular, again and again. By the time Jesus was done whipping him, that money-changer's hinder parts looked less like a healthy derriere than like a Middlesex roadmap. And Joe could not help but be impressed by that: for this fellow whom Jesus whipped so mercilessly, was the same exact scoundrel who, not two days before, had cheated Joe on the British-Rome exchange rate (Mark 11:12-18).
That is how Joseph of Arimathaea, a wealthy Cornwall tin-monger, recognised Jesus to be the long-awaited Messiah: Jewish rabbis and Druidic priests and religious leaders were a dime a dozen in those days, but Jesus of Nazareth seemed to know which offenders truly deserved to have their asses whipped. And the thing is this: Joe knew, in his heart of hearts, that he was one of them! Because he had conducted some pretty shady tin deals. And that is why Joseph of Arimathaea fell to his knees that day, and asked Jesus Christ into his heart as his personal lord and saviour – because he did not want Jesus to whip his ass for all eternity even though he totally deserved it; which is also an excellent reason, even today, for a person to become a born-again Christian.
Joe's newly excavated crypt was just two blocks from Golgotha. No one from Cornwall was likely to be buried in it any time soon; or at least, not unless Joe fell back into his old ways, and got his ass whipped (in the sense, "got killed by God"). So that seemed to Joe like the perfect place for the Messiah to be laid to rest – in his own personal tomb (Mark 15:44).
Wishing to do something nice for Jesus, Joseph of Arimathaea "marched boldly" into the office of Pontius Pilate on Good Friday, at sunset, to seek custody of the Lord's corpse (Mark 15:43).
"Not now," said Pilate. "Can't you see I'm busy? We've had a three-hour solar event followed by an earthquake."
Joe said, "And what would you like next, sir? a Great Flood? a fire from Heaven? terminal bowel cancer?"
Joseph left the governor's palace for Golgotha Hill with a permission slip, signed by the governor, to show to the Roman guards, assigning him custody of the body of Jesus of Nazareth.
Now the Roman soldiers assigned to crucifixion detail generally preferred to save and re-use a good cross without pulling it from the ground, because old-growth lumber was scarce in the Promised Land, and also because the Romans were basically pretty lazy. The dead criminals, however, had to be disposed of. Their bodies were ordinarily carted to Gehenna (the city dump in the Valley of Hinnom), where the victims of Roman justice were burned on a refuse heap; but that was a chore assigned to slaves, because the arrogant Romans thought they were too good to handle the corpses of executed Jewish criminals.
Joe hurried – he had not a minute to lose!
– L.
(Tomorrow: Will Joseph of Arimathaea make it to Golgotha in time to save Jesus' body from the flames of Gehenna? as well as from the dinner plates of literal-minded Roman Catholics?)
Posted by Lucifer at 07:57 PM
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