True Life of Jesus, cont.
Urgulanius, the Roman centurion who managed the Passion show that particular weekend, was a monster of efficiency. By nine a.m., Jesus was already undressed, nailed down, hoisted up, and calling for a drink of water, while Urgulanius cast lots for Jesus' very nice, seamless cloak; which was won, however, by a common footsoldier; and that cloak was not seen again by Christians until the year 1202, during the Fourth Crusade, when the army of Pope Innocent the Third rescued it from the Ottomans (Mark 15:21-25).
Jesus was crucified along with two Jewish thieves. They nailed Jesus to the middle cross, which was a little taller than the other two. And the way I picture it, there was a very nice beam of sunlight coming down through a gap in the clouds and shining right on him.
(For a cute animation, see http://youthofamerica.org/WalkWith/ Jesus.htm, or http://www.thebricktestament.com/the_gospels/the_
crucifixion/mt27_27p29.html)
For the next several hours, there is not a lot to tell. Jesus chatted, off and on, with the two malefactors. Mostly he just hung there, feeling miserable.
The malefactor on Jesus' left had stolen a loaf of bread and two doves from the Temple, to feed his hungry children; he was griefstruck for his children and for his beloved wife, but unrepentant for his crime (Matt. 27:44). The malefactor on the right had hijacked a donkey carrying a shipment of wine, and had gotten drunk, and had marched up and down Main Street, late at night, on the Sabbath, shouting, at the top of his lungs, "Fuck the Romans! Fuck Tiberius Caesar! Fuck Herod the Tetrarch! Fuck Caiaphas the Chief Priest!"
(Which, by the way, was a very unfortunate set of instructions, for his shouts were overheard by Mary Magdalene, who had been alone in bed for once, until she heard that deeply resonant voice in the night, and mistook it for a message from Almighty God.)
Mary, Mary, Mary! That gal certainly kept herself busy!
By "the Devil and his angels" Jesus was referring, of course, to me and my two friends, Belial and Beelzebub. That's okay, I forgive him. And I wish that Jesus had likewise forgiven the poor devil who stole the loaf of bread. What is so hard about an old-fashioned, "I forgive you," plain and simple?
Would it have taken any skin off the Creator's nose, I wonder, just to forgive His creatures for doing what He programmed them to do, such as eat and drink and copulate!
The early Church had a Latin hymn called "The Vicarious Atonement," which I have rendered in modern English as follows:
There once was a God named the LORD,
Who loved to be praised and adored,
But He could not forgive,
Or let anyone live
Until He nailed his Son to a board.
That whole "Vicarious Atonement" scheme is what the theologians at seminary school call "the science of soteriology." Here's what I call it: I call it the science of "too much time on Their hands." I don't know if you've ever read The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, but whenever I read that part about Tom and Huck going to such absurd lengths to liberate Jim, who didn't really need liberating, I think to myself: Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn! These two characters remind me of Yahveh and Jesus, and the science of soteriology!
– L.
(Tomorrow: the Passion of the Christ, dragged out a little while longer!)
