Lucifer's True History of Everything
Dec 15, 06 02:15 PM
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True Life of Jesus, cont.
I don't remember when they first started calling Good Friday, "Good Friday," or why.
The Pharisees, okay, for them it was a good Friday, an excellent Friday, one of their favourites; but for Jesus it was not really such a good Friday, and if you have seen that Mel Gibson movie, The Passion of the Christ, you will remember what I'm talking about.
(For more information, visit http://www.bettybowers.com/melgibsonpassion.html)
If you have never seen the film adaptation, but have only heard the word, "passion," then you may suspect that the Passion of Jesus Christ has something to do with tender feelings or heavy breathing for, say, Mary Magdalene—which would be a big mistake, theologically speaking. Passion is a word that Big Mel, an Australian, uses to denote suffering, as in the sense, "I have no control over what (1) that Roman centurion" [or, 2, as Mel would say, "those damned Jews"; or 3, as my friend Bubba would say, "that foxy babe") does to me." But the sexual kind of passion was something that Jesus never really suffered from all that much. It was types 1 and 2 that gave him the most trouble.
On 30 March, 31 CE, all Jerusalem turned out to watch Christ's Passion – all but the Twelve disciples, eleven of whom (until the dust settled) were lying low in Bethany, at Mary's Place (which was the only house around that had both a Jesus-friendly owner and plenty of beds); and the twelfth of whom (Judas Iscariot) was out shopping for real estate. The Eleven good disciples had been up late the night before. On Friday morning they were pretty tired, and somewhat drained emotionally, so they slept in (Matt. 26:56).
I also skipped the Passion – not because I was tired but because I hate to watch spectacles of religious cruelty. (I didn't even see Mel Gibson's movie version.) On Good Friday, I just hung out at Mary's Place with the Eleven sad cowards. But I heard all about the Crucifixion from three women followers who attended the nailing ceremony, and stayed all day, and bore witness (the same three female eyewitnesses who gave a blow-by-blow account to Mathew, Mark, Luke, and John): they were 1. "Salome" (i.e., Jesus' aunt, Mrs. Zebedee); 2. "Mary the mother of Jesus, and Joses, and Little James" (also called "the Blessed Virgin"); and 3. "Mary Magdalene" (no virgin, but dependable as they come) (Matt. 27:55-56, Mark 15:40).
The parade down the Via Dolorosa to Golgotha, scheduled for 8:00 a.m., got off to a late start. Because Jesus was far less muscular than most Death Row types, the Roman soldiers hoped that a disciple, or all Twelve of them, would come carry the cross for him.
The guards waited till a quarter past the hour. None came.
John, who slipped out of Mary's Place after lunch, is the only disciple who showed up at all that day, and he arrived four hours late, just in time to say sayonara (John 19:25-27).
Finally, the Romans drafted a fellow named Simon of Cyrene, a Libyan tourist, to carry the cross along the parade route. Simon said he was happy to do it for the Lord, because when he got back home from his trip he would have a great story to tell (Matt. 27:32).
About halfway up the Via Dolorosa, one female fan – named Damaris, I'll never forget her, she was a piece of work – cried out to Jesus, as she had done many times before, "Happy is the vagina that bore thee! Happy are the nipples that you have sucked!"
Damaris, a barren Jewish woman, had that as her favourite saying – "Happy is the vagina that bore thee! Happy are the nipples that you have sucked!" – but Damaris did not shout it at just anyone. She truly believed, in her heart of hearts, that Mary of Nazareth was the luckiest woman on the planet (Luke 23:29). Damaris used to lie awake at nights, just thinking about it ¬– about how the Virgin Mary must be the happiest woman alive.
In Bethany, which was the first time Simon Peter ever heard Damaris shout at Jesus, "Happy are the nipples that you have sucked," he became cross and scolded her, saying, "Excuse me, ma'am, but that would be exactly two."
Jesus commanded Peter to leave the woman alone, and to scold her not, which is why she kept it up; in fact, after that, whenever Simon Peter was nearby, Damaris shouted her "Nipples Blessing" (as she called it) a little louder than usual, and Peter would just scowl (Luke 11:27).
The Virgin Mary, who had always been a modest lady despite her provincial upbringing, was of Simon Peter's mind. Jesus' mother always referred to Damaris as "that woman" (as in, "I wish someone would shut that woman up, even if we have to tattoo a matching pair of smiley-faces on her bosom").
But today, during Jesus' pre-crucifixion parade up the Via Dolorosa, when Damaris cried out from the crowd, "Happy is the vagina that bore thee! Happy are the nipples that you have sucked," Simon Peter was nowhere to be seen, to rebuke her.
Jesus told Simon of Cyrene to stop dragging the cross for a moment. Simon stopped. A hush fell over the crowd. Several of those who stood nearby, though no lovers of Jesus, felt nonetheless as if this was no time for Damaris to be bringing up the whole subject of Jesus sucking on the Virgin Mary's nipples. The mostly Jewish spectators stopped hooting and throwing garbage for a moment, to hear what Jesus would say to the woman.
The Lord looked Damaris right in the eye and declared, "Behold, the day is coming when people will say, 'Blessed are the barren! Blessed is the vagina that never delivered! Blessed are the nipples that never gave suck! For in that day, even my own mother shall be called the 'Unlucky' Virgin." Jesus then reached over, and touched Damaris gently on the top of her head and said to her, "Go thy way. Thy infertility has been healed" (Luke 21:23).
– L.
(Tomorrow: the Passion of the Christ, continued!)
Posted by Lucifer at 02:15 PM
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