Lucifer's True History of Everything
Dec 5, 06 02:30 PM
Previous Entry
Next Entry
First Entry
True Life of Jesus, cont.
Jesus while on Earth was courteous to almost everyone – Roman centurions, Jewish tax collectors, Samaritan prostitutes, and even to Gentile pig-farmers – but not to the Pharisees. Those Bible-believing Jewish evangelical fundamentalists knew how to push his buttons. The trouble started back in the first year of his public ministry, when a Pharisee from the city, one of Mr. Simon's friends, invited Jesus over to his house for dinner with a number of civic leaders and prominent lawyers. When the food was ready to serve, the Pharisee said, "Well! Shall we wash our hands and eat?" (Luke 11:37).
And Jesus said, "No, let's just eat."
And the Pharisee said, "Really? You don't want to wash up first?"
After a busy day of dusty streets, and of handshaking, and of healing leprosy and scrofula, and of rubbing spit into the eyes of the blind, the Lord's hands could get ... well, a little sticky; but Jesus did not care about that, because he stayed healthy. "What's the matter?" said Jesus, a bit sharply.
"Nothing," said the Pharisee. "I was just surprised, that's all."
That's when Jesus lost his temper. He shouted "Woe unto you!" nine times in less than two minutes, a New Testament record. He cursed his host. He cursed the Pharisees. He cursed the lawyers. He cursed the scribes. He cursed soap and water. He then stormed out of the house (and cursed the house) without dinner (and cursed the dinner), none of which made a favourable impression on the other guests, for Jesus had been slated as the guest of honour that night. They washed up and ate without him (Luke 11:38-53).
A week or two later, as the Twelve disciples sat eating their lunch, outdoors, with dirty hands, not fifty feet from a cistern full of clean water, a Pharisee passing by asked Jesus why they did that; and was it not rather boorish, to eat with unwashed hands?
That's when Jesus really, really popped his cork (Matt. 15:1-21, Mark 7:1-24); and I won't even tell you everything he said on that occasion, because that particular Pharisee was a friend of mine, and I don't care if he did wash himself too often, what Jesus said to him was rude.
From that moment on, Jesus could not spot two Pharisees crossing the street without letting them have it: "You snakes! You brood of vipers! You swamp scum! How will you escape being damned to Hell?" (Matt. 23:33). The Lord invented a hundred different names for his fundamentalist critics, and not one that was complimentary: "Devils!" "Sons of Hell!" "Hypocrites!" "Yeast-suckers!" "Nit-pickers!" "Hand-washers!" "Blind guides!" "White-washed tombs full of stinking corruption and dead men's bones!"
Fighting back, the fundamentalists called Jesus a "fat winebibber" and "a self-righteous little wanker" – which was totally unfair: it may be true that Jesus was on the short side, but he was not a heavy drinker and he was definitely not fat (Matt. 11:19).
Day after day, Jesus taunted the Pharisees with such sayings as this one: "Behold, you vipers! So what if I never wash my hands before lunch? What are you going to do about it – crucify me?"
The Pharisees then took counsel among themselves and said, "Why not?"
So that's what they did: the bastards crucified him.
– L.
(Coming up Thursday: the last supper!)
Posted by Lucifer at 02:30 PM
Previous Entry
Next Entry
Who is Lucifer? Vote here
First Entry
