Lucifer's True History of Everything
Nov 28, 06 07:50 PM
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True Life of Jesus, cont.
The following Thursday – this was just a week before the Last Supper – Jesus stopped across town at the Bethany home of his old friend, Simon the Pharisee, to inquire why Simon had not come to Magdalene's party.
Mr. Simon was doing poorly. He had contracted leprosy, and his wife had left him to live with her mother (Matt. 26:6).
As Jesus sat there chatting with Simon about possible treatments, who should come tip-toeing into the house but Mary Magdalene? And what should she be carrying, but another alabaster jug of pure spikenard!
"Oh, no, not again!" said Mr. Simon.
"Not what again?" asked Jesus. Too late: Mary walked up from behind and without bending over uncorked the jug and dumped it out – glug, glug, glug, glug, glug – all over Jesus' head (Mark 14:3-4).
Simon Peter dashed around to Jesus' side of the table, thinking to stop her. But when his sandals hit that puddle of nard on Mr. Simon's fancy marble-tile floor. Shlup! both of his feet went out from under him. He landed on his back, in the puddle. So Peter got soaked, too. Plus, he conked his head on the floor.
Jesus, who had uttered a little yelp when the spikenard first hit, was now just sitting there, soaking wet, with spikenard dripping from his hair, his nose, his chin, and Simon Peter on his back, at the Lord's feet, groaning. But Jesus was gracious, for once. He just sat there, drenched in costly fragrance, with this idiot smile on his face, as if to say, "Hey, what's a guy supposed to do? I think she likes me!" (Mark 14:1-3).
This third incident with Magdalene caused "great indignation" among the disciples, who "murmured against her," not just for soaking Jesus and decking Simon Peter but also for squandering another jug of fragrance. Her behavior was beginning to look less like reverence than like an obsession, a tiresome game of Soak-the-Lord-in-Spikenard.
"Will someone please tell me," said Judas Iscariot, "how this woman can afford so much spikenard?"
The other disciples just rolled their eyes at one another, as if to say, "Duh!" and "Where has he been?" and "Doesn't Judas know anything?"
"Rabbi," Judas whined, "that is now the third alabaster jug of pure nard in three months that this lady has spent on you – any one of which could have bought a house, or a fishing boat, for the poor. Why this waste of expensive perfume?" (Mark 14:4-5).
Jesus said: "Oh, Judas, just leave the woman alone and stop bothering her... You have the poor with you always. You can be kind to them whenever you feel like it; but you will not always have me" (Mark 14:6-11).
Eight days later, thanks to that creep, Judas Iscariot, Jesus of Nazareth was dead.
– L.
Posted by Lucifer at 07:50 PM
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