Bob Shakespeare

Lucifer's True History of Everything

Nov 24, 06 02:23 PM

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True Life of Jesus, cont.

By 25 December, 30 CE, Jesus had cast seven "devils" from the tormented flesh of Mary Magdalene of Bethany, each of whom, as Christ forewarned, had involved seven others worse than itself; which, depending on how you do the math, comes to something like 823,543 devils (which sounds a little high; I don't think you could get that many Jewish devils into all Jerusalem, much less into Mary Magdalene).

There was no immediate sign of another invasion. Mary felt good about that. She felt liberated, energised, born again. With every passing day, she set a new post-puberty record for life without fornication. Never again would she let some horny devil have his way with her. But Mary also felt that she needed a guiding spiritual hand, because she had already felt so many of the other kind.

To celebrate her transfiguration from bad girl to Christian saint, Mary planned a dinner party for the Lord, to be held at her palatial home in Bethany, a.k.a. "Mary's Place": Come Meet Jesus and the Twelve! All the barbecued lamb chops you can eat! (Luke 10:38-39). (Because I neglected to save my invitation, I no longer have the exact wording, which was in Aramaic, misspelled and badly punctuated, but with nice calligraphy on fine parchment.) Mary had the idea that a formal dinner party, with Jesus as guest of honour, would indicate to the community that the Lord had made an honest woman of her – which everyone agreed was a miracle of a very high order; although it was not, in my opinion, a miracle to thank God for.

There was quite a crowd at Mary's Place on the night of the banquet. The food was delicious. Mary's brother and sister, Lazarus and Martha, did most of the actual cooking while Mary played the elegant and charming hostess (Luke 10:40-41). A virtuous time was had by all. My one disappointment was that the doors to the various bedchambers, some of which still sported unseemly pictures on the wall or contained quaint devices, were closed for the evening – and perhaps, for ever. That thought made me feel quite melancholy. There had been so much good old-fashioned fun at "Mary's Place" before Mary got born again!

The entertainment that night was a clever religious comedy called "The Beggar and the Millionaire," about a beggar covered with sores who dies and spends four days in Heaven taunting a rich man who dies and goes to Hell. Fragments of the script are preserved in the New Testament. Lazarus, who played the role of the dead beggar, had us all in stitches, especially in Act 5 when he opened the closet door and emerged as a walking mummy. Jesus, though no actor, was quite competent in his role as the late-arriving sad White Wizard who brought him back to life. And Mary Magdalene got laughs and wolf-whistles in her cross-dressed starring role as the heavenly "Bosom of Abraham" (John 11:3-46, Luke 16:19-31, KJV).

The true highlight of the evening came after we all sat down to eat: Mary Magdalene returned to the great room carrying an alabaster jug. Smiling coyly, she uncorked the bottle, and waved it about. She sprinkled a little on her fingertips. Soon, the entire hall was filled with the intoxicating fragrance of eau de spikenard (John 11:2).

When she had everyone's attention, Mary dropped to her hands and knees, crawled under the head table, and started giving the Lord another one of those spectacularly soothing foot-and-leg rubs as only Mary could do it, wiping down his legs with spikenard and with her own luxurious hair. Mary rubbed so much nard on Jesus that evening, and the odor was so overpowering, that the dinner guests could hardly taste their food, much less think about spiritual matters when there was something going on under the head tablecloth that could be interpreted wrongly as monkey business (John 12:1-4).

This time, however, there was nothing erotic about it. Mary Magdalene was totally over that. She had forsworn all things sexual. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

For a few men at the party, Mary's spikenard massage might have been slightly erotic, but it was not erotic for Jesus. It was erotic only for those who are the type who like to watch – and they couldn't really watch because, on this occasion, Mary was under the table! So they had to use their imagination – and that was definitely erotic.

But John – I'll never forget poor John! – he happened to have fallen asleep, during dinner, with his head on Jesus' lap. So he's down there, sound asleep, when Mary Magdalene crawled under the table to wash and anoint the Lord's feet with her spikenard – which woke him up.

Awaking with a start, John shrieked, "Oy oy oy!" – and sat up and conked his head, which was the second time in six months that an injury like that had happened when Mary Magdalene was under the table doing her thing, and it caused a good deal of titillation – sorry, wrong word – nervous laughter in the room. (John explained later, to the other disciples, who were curious, that they could not imagine how shocked he was, to wake up and see that woman under there! staring right at him! then stroking his cheek! then kissing him on the nose! then kissing him on the lips! then – ! And that's when John sat up, because he didn't want any part of it [John 12:1-3]).

Judas Iscariot was disgusted as well, but for a different reason. He announced to everyone at his table that Mary's nard, which represented a year's wages for a common prostitute (and Mary was no common prostitute), should have been sold, and the proceeds given to the poor (John 12:4-5).

What? Judas Iscariot, concerned for the poor? I don't think so! Judas had no more concern for the poor than her majesty, the Queen! or than a Republican Senator! All Judas Iscariot wanted was to have one of those great spikenard rubdowns, and he was willing to pay for it with money from Jesus' own till. But Magdalene's package-deal was not in the cards for Judas, because Mary was no longer offering her package to such Jewish devils as he (John 12:5-6).

When Judas stood up from the table, you could see the smoldering rage in his eyes. You could also see the smoldering farther down, for Judas appeared to have an erection going. No, Judas definitely had an erection going. Indeed, I think that some of Mary's lady friends, who sat with Judas at that corner table, were impressed. But in the end, I was not convinced. Judas Iscariot is the sort of man who would come for dinner empty-handed and leave with a silver spoon in his pocket. I certainly would not have put it past him to hide a gold candelabrum in his knickers just to impress the ladies at his dinner table.

– L.

Lucifer's True History of Everything

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