Lucifer's True History of Everything
Nov 21, 06 03:27 PM
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True Life of Jesus, cont.
It was her narrow brush with capital punishment that finally caused Mary Magdalene to straighten up and keep her knees together. In fact, she was so grateful to Jesus for having saved her life that she wished to show him a token of her gratitude. But she knew that she could not show Jesus her usual token of gratitude, which was to extend her open hours and to lower the rate. So that is how she came up with the foot-massage idea. And that is how she ended up under the table in Mr. Simon's dining room in Bethany, which is where we left Mr. Simon the Pharisee in an unhappy altercation with his wife.
Returning, then, to our story of Jesus' dinner at Mr. Simon's house:
It finally dawns on Mrs. Simon who and what that woman was, with whom she has just collided: that was Mary Magdalene! It occurs to Mrs. Simon that she has had full frontal contact with the most notorious harlot in all Bethany, and in her own house. It also dawns on her that the dining room smells like costly eau de spikenard. And here's her husband, sitting at table with a guilty grin on his face, directly across from an alleged whoremonger, Jesus of Nazareth, who's also got a big smile on his face, a beatific one.
Mrs. Simon is now really feeling quite cross. You can tell from her stern countenance that Mr. Simon will have some explaining to do, as soon as their dinner guest from Nazareth has gone home (Luke 7:46 ff.).
I don't know what happened between Mr. and Mrs. Simon that night, because I left when Jesus did, but Mary Magdalene went home alone. Which is not to say that she stayed alone for long. But you may rest assured that Mary Magdalene did not see Jesus for the rest of that entire weekend. I know that for a fact, because Mary had some work to do, and I helped her do it.
And that, my friends, is the true story of what happened between Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene. What you've read in The Da Vinci Code about their relationship is simply not true.
And now, if you will excuse me, I have a few words for Mr. Brown.
(Mr. Brown: Hypothetical situation. Put, on one door, a sign that says: "HOT XXX SEX WITH MARY MAGDALENE!!" On the other door, write "CRUCIFIXION!" Now put Mary Magdalene behind the first door, as naked as a billiard ball and ready for action. Behind the other door, put Pontius Pilate and Chief Priest Caiaphas and a troop of Roman soldiers with hammer and nails and a crown of thorns, also ready for action. Now make Jesus choose – once a day, from Good Friday until Doomsday – which one he wants. What do you think will happen, Mr. Brown? I'll tell you what: nothing of interest! Rather than disobey his heavenly Father, Jesus will choose the Crucifixion door, every time. Trust me, Mr. Brown. Your book is wrong.)
– L.
Posted by Lucifer at 03:27 PM
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