Lucifer's True History of Everything
Nov 15, 06 05:51 PM
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True Life of Jesus, cont.
Jesus said nothing. He just bent over and started writing and drawing certain things on the marble patio tile. Which irritated them. Which is why he did it.
"Beg pardon?" asked the ringleader Pharisee. "What was it you said you would do? I don't think I caught it."
Still Jesus said nothing. He knew that sometimes, "What would Jesus do?" can be a trick question as well; and this was one of those occasions. The Law of Moses requires that a girl who fornicates with a married man must be stoned to death by the community (Deut. 22). If Jesus said no, do not stone the girl, he would be counseling his neighbours to disobey the Law of Moses, which meant that Jesus should be stoned to death first, and the girl, second (Deut. 13:10). But if Jesus said yes, do it, stone the girl, then he'd be violating Roman law, which disallowed vigilantism by self-appointed Bible-believing chastity police; for which crime, Jesus could be crucified. No matter which way he answered the question, Jesus realised, he was caught in a legal trap! (John 18:31).
Finally the Lord said, with a mischievous sparkle in his eye, "Let whoever is without sin cast the first stone."
When Jesus first said that, the Pharisee men – those who had never committed literal adultery, which was most of them, which is why they were here – got ready to proceed with the stoning. Jesus then delivered the punch-line: "But I say unto you," he added, "that whosoever looks on a woman and lusts for her has already committed adultery with her, in his heart!" (Matt. 5:29).
"Really?" asked the ringleader, who had never actually read the Old Testament. "Is that in Scripture? If I just look, with lust in my heart, that's the same thing as actually doing it, so I should get stoned as well?"
Jesus had them over the barrel: he knew that no red-blooded Bible-believing Jewish male, if he was straight, could look on Mary Magdalene and not feel a twinge of desire. In the half hour since they had left Mr. Yentzer's house with the accused, most of those men had been committing adultery in their hearts pretty much nonstop, and in as many different sexual positions as they could imagine (approximately two).
Rocks fell to the pavement like hailstones. The Pharisee men turned and walked away, with their heads bowed in shame. But the housewives had not yet dropped their weapons. These Jewish housewives had not looked on Mary with lust in their hearts. Most of them looked on Mary with a desire to scratch her eyes out, and to stone her to death.
You may already have heard the amazing story of what happened next. It's true: Jesus turned to the ladies, and said, "Let whoever among you who is without sin, cast the first rock" (John 8:7-8); and he was about to add a homiletical punchline for the women when Thwack! A stone, coming from a bystander off to the right, hit Mary Magdalene in the left temple.
Jesus looked up with a surprised look, and cried, "Mother!"
The Virgin Mary turned on one heel and walked away in disgust. Magdalene, meanwhile, put her hands to her head and just sobbed her heart out.
Fortunately, the rock thrown by the Virgin was not very big: Mary Magdalene was not badly injured.
Unfortunately, when she clapped her hands to the side of her head, Magdalene's bedsheet fell to the marble pavement.
"Go," said Jesus, with his eyes pinched shut, "Go, and sin no more." Jesus then turned, and hurried after his mother, calling out, "Wait up, Mother, I'm coming with you!" (John 8:11).
– L.
Posted by Lucifer at 05:51 PM
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