Lucifer's True History of Everything
Nov 8, 06 01:31 PM
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True Life of Jesus, cont.
(The misadventures of Mary Magdalene, continued. We left our heroine yesterday, wearing nothing but a bedsheet, in custody of an angry mob of Bible-thumping Jewish fundamentalists who wished to stone her to death according to Scripture, as per the Gospel of John...)
That afternoon Jesus happened to be down from Galilee, teaching and preaching and cursing in the Temple courtyard. He was just telling a lively parable of a poor disciple's revenge on a rich Jew, when who should appear but Mary Magdalene, plus an escort of Mr. Yeshua Yentzer's outraged neighours. Jesus frowned when he saw her, for he guessed without being told that Mary Magdalene's devils had moved back in, and that they had been having a heyday.
The mob of angry Jews was sizing up the legal options when one of them had an idea, which is actually more of a Christian moral strategy than a Jewish one: they asked themselves, What would Jesus do? And that is how Caiaphas suddenly got cut out of the loop: because the mob of vigilantes decided to ask Jesus instead.
Here, in one corner, were half a dozen Pharisee men, one of whom was the group's spokesman, plus (by my own count) 37 infuriated Jewish housewives, most of whom were less interested in their neighbour, Mr. Yentzer, than in their own husbands, most of whom were likewise suspected of having slept with Mary Magdalene at one time or another; in which case (as every good wife knew), their husbands would not have got much sleeping done.
There, in the other corner, stood Jesus and the.... No, just Jesus. The Twelve disciples had decided that this looked like a good moment for the rest of them to slip away for a bite of lunch.
Standing alone before the angry crowd, with her arms pinned by three Pharisee gentlemen, was Mary Magdalene, still wrapped in a bedsheet. At this very moment she was giving one of the Pharisee men a sultry look; while seeming, accidentally, to brush the groin of a second; while coyly exhibiting her breasts to a third. This time, however, her devilish wiles could not save her: as Torah-believing Jewish evangelicals, these Pharisees had enough indignation in them, and had brought along enough ammunition, to stone an Old-Testament giant, twelve feet tall – and Mary Magdalene was a petite woman. Moreover, they knew from close Bible study not to throw their rocks all at the same time, which was less effective, but to stand in line and take turns; so that each rock, when hurled, would do some damage to the offender, as expressly recommended in the Old Testament (Lev.20:27; Deut.17:5-7).
The ringleader addressed the Lord, saying, "Teacher, this woman was caught breaking the Law of Moses, in the very act...."
"What particular act do you have in mind?" said Jesus.
(This was a trick question. Jesus knew that the Torah does not really dwell on certain acts of a sexual nature; that Mary Magdalene's act, given her extensive experience, was probably one of them; and that, whatever particular act it was, no true Pharisee should be having it in mind.)
"It was an adulterous act," said the ringleader. "I'm not going to draw you a picture. But these good citizens and eyewitnesses will back me up when I say she was taken in adultery. Truly, if that act cannot be called adultery, then the bread and goat cheese I had this morning cannot be called breakfast. Trust me, it was adultery. Now Moses in the Law commanded us that every woman who commits adultery must be stoned to death. The Romans say that we must obey Roman law instead. What would you do?" (John 8:4-5).
– L.
(Tomorrow: find out what Jesus would do, in an unusual situation like that!)
Posted by Lucifer at 01:31 PM
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