Lucifer's True History of Everything
Nov 6, 06 06:25 PM
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True Life of Jesus, cont.
Events very nearly took a tragic turn. The seventh possession, though trivial compared to the others, almost cost Mary Magdalene her life. It happened on this wise: Magdalene, now 18, was in the Jerusalem market one day, thinking about groceries, which for her was pretty unusual, when she once again became full of wickedness (Luke 8:2).
Mary walked as if in a trance from Jerusalem to Emmaus, to an exclusive neighbourhood well known to her, where the houses were opulent and the fenced yards were wide, and where a working girl's financial compensation was not inconsiderable. She knocked on the door of Mr. Yeshua Yentzer, a married man whom she knew, just to say hello.
One thing led to another, starting with a cup of wine and a few figs. And almost before either one of them realised that their moral defenses were slipping, here's Mr. Yentzer, a civic leader and a member of the Jewish Sanhedrin, loaded with money, going at it with Mary Magdalene so loudly, and so passionately, and with the wooden bedstead banging against the wall so distractingly, that everyone in the neighbourhood heard it (everyone except Mr. Yentzer's wife, who was visiting her sister-in-law down in Hebron).
The outraged neighbours, when they could no longer endure eavesdropping without some investigation of what was going on in there, and when they could see nothing through the wooden shutters, burst into the house and caught the two lovers flagrante delicto, "in the very act" (John 8:4).
In deference to my friend and legal advisor, Beelzebub, I shall not tell you which particular act it was that got interrupted.
Okay, yes, I'll tell you: it was the second one. But I cannot say more on this subject without being too explicit. And I am just sorry to keep you guessing, since that is not really very fair to my readers.
Okay, here's a hint: it was an act which, though not expressly forbidden in the Torah, was one that Mr. Yentzer's outraged Jewish neighbours had never personally attempted; and it is one that the church fathers, Saint Augustine and Saint Thomas Aquinas, expressly condemned. And that is absolutely as much as I will tell you about it.
Suffice it to say that Magdalene was caught doing something to Mr. Yentzer that kids today under the age of 18 do not need to be reading about; or at least, there's no need for them to be reading about it if they have Internet access and know where else to look.
Mary Magdalene, suddenly smitten with a fit of uncharacteristic modesty, pulled a sheet up around her, but she did not go unrecognised. Several of the housewives who stood there in Mr. Yentzer's bedroom, when they saw it was Mary, cried out, "So it's you again!" "Should've known!" "Filthy whore!" and many other such suburban middle-class observations.
Yeshua Yentzer had a good lawyer. So even though he had just been caught with his metaphorical pants down, Yentzer was Teflon. But as a Bible-believing Jew he also recognised that someone must pay the terrible penalty for every sexual sin discovered under Heaven, including the one just now interrupted; and he did not want to be the person whom Yahveh punished. Mr. Yentzer said, "Take this girl, who seduced me, to the Antonia Fortress, to the office of Caiaphas the Chief Priest, to inquire whether she should be punished according to the Law of Moses!"
So they did that.
Mr. Yentzer said later that he was not intending to get Mary Magdalene into trouble with the Law, he was only intending to get her into bed with Caiaphas. That way, maybe the Chief Priest could appreciate what every other civic leader in the Jerusalem community had already been up against.
But on their way to see Caiaphas, the mob got sidetracked....
– L.
(Tomorrow: What Would Jesus Do? You might be surprised!)
Posted by Lucifer at 06:25 PM
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