Lucifer's True History of Everything
Nov 2, 06 10:27 PM
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True Life of Jesus, cont.
Jesus next heard talk of Mary Magdalene when he was down in Jerusalem for the Passover. This was the morning after that big scandal at Rabbi Gamaliel's School, which you have probably heard about, when a woman sneaked, uninvited, into a dormitory of 144 top young Torah-Talmud scholars, after lights out. Well, the "woman" in that story was Mary Magdalene. (Don't worry: Saul of Tarsus at the time was living with his mother up in Cilicia, having graduated from Rabbi Gamaliel's School a decade earlier; he was not implicated.) How many devils possessed Mary Magdalene during that little escapade, God only knows. Gamaliel's boys themselves, who were taught never to bear false witness, gave conflicting stories about what happened, and with how many; but by the crow of the third cock....
Beelzebub, who loves to interrupt all of my best stories, has just interrupted me to say I cannot tell you the one about Mary's night with Rabbi Gamaliel's boys. He says there would be repercussions. Many of those students represent good Jewish families with a long genealogy and a long memory. Several have living descendants who practice law today with major firms from Tel Aviv to Miami. If I told you the story of Magdalene in Rabbi Gamaliel's Jerusalem dormitory, my editor, Bob, could be sued. Says Beelzebub. Plus, the JDL would be all over me.
Well, I'll let Beelzebub have his way. But this is the last time. If we were to suppress every great Christian story of Jewish wickedness, we would lose a lively fourth of the literature of the Western world.
But okay, let's also draw a curtain of legal discretion over every other coterie of devils who entered into that woman, each of which, as Jesus himself once quipped, was wickeder than the one before (Luke 11:24-27),
I can tell you this: One night, during a party at Jerusalem's Antonia Fortress, even Herod the Tetrarch became involved with Mary Magdalene.
No, "Herod the Tetrarch became involved with Mary Magdalene" does not do justice to the incident. Becoming "involved" with Mary Magdalene is something that anyone might have done, even a Christian. Herod the Tetrarch did not become "involved" with that woman; Herod that night became convoluted with Mary Magdalene: truly, it would have been no exaggeration to call him Herod the Pretzel. A week afterward, his majesty still suffered from muscle pain and strained ligaments.
I said earlier that Mary Magdalene was "a working girl," but she was more like a "workaholic." That woman was a first-century Energizer® Bunny, she just kept going and going. To this day, just thinking about that girl wears me out.
I admire friendly women – who doesn't? – but not a gal who has to be friendly two, three times a day. If Jesus had not been able, through perseverance, to save her from her sins before she passed away, seriously, they would have had to bury Mary Magdalene in a Y-shaped coffin.
– L.
(Tomorrow: Mary Magdalene meets her match!)
Posted by Lucifer at 10:27 PM
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