Lucifer's True History of Everything
Oct 25, 06 09:51 PM
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True Life of Jesus, cont.
... Suddenly, Mary stops rubbing. Using her own hair for a towel, she quietly dries off Jesus' feet and legs. (Jesus still has not said boo to her.) There. She's done. She comes out from under the table and stands up. Jesus looks at her. She looks at Jesus, with this kind of hopeful look on her face. She smiles. (Mary, at this point in time, was already supporting Jesus financially with her charitable donations [Luke 8:3], but this spikenard massage, from her point of view, was something pretty special.)
At that moment, Jesus should have said to Simon the Pharisee, "Mary and I need some time alone – do you mind"? But instead he said: "Magdalene, your sins, too many to count, shall be snow-white" (Luke 7:48).
Jesus did not mean the remark unkindly – he was only making a spiritually significant pun on the Magdalene surname, which in Aramaic means, "Snow White" (from o-Makh-t'alg'aa). But Mary took it for a cruel sarcasm. So, too, did Simon the Pharisee, who thought "Snow White" was a pretty funny nickname for Mary Magdalene. He laughed so heartily that he nearly fell off his chair.
Well, that did it. Mary burst into tears, and I don't blame her, she was a sensitive girl. It was like if a lap dancer came down from the stage and gave a long, slow backrub to a handsome young State Trooper in the audience, and then whispered in his ear, and said, "Hey, big guy, coffee, tea, or me?" – and the officer says, "I'll have coffee." And then everyone laughs.
Distraught, Mary dropped her alabaster bottle – which broke on Mr. Simon's marble floor – and fled toward the door, weeping – when she ran smack into Mrs. Simon, who was coming in to clear the plates.
This unexpected collision, following so soon on the heels of crushing disappointment, got Mary really upset. She started to sob out loud.
Jesus said: "Go! Shalom!" (Luke 7:49-50 [KJV, "Go in peace"]).
By this time it had become clear to Mr. Simon – and it would have been obvious even to a guy like Dan Brown, had he been there – that Jesus of Nazareth did not have a sexual relationship with Mary Magdalene. Maybe Mary had a little "thing" going for Jesus, but the thing was not reciprocated. Jesus never touched her, not even for purpose of a blessing, in that gentle way he had. (Always discreet, Jesus would not even play with little Castor, Mary's harmless pet kitten.)
Mrs. Simon, however, knew none of that. All Mrs. Simon knew was that her husband's dinner guest, Jesus of Nazareth, was the object of gossip at the local synagogue, to wit: that Jesus was born out of wedlock; that he was an out-of-work carpenter from the hicktown of Nazareth, now employed as a dubious amateur rabbi; that he roamed around with a band of Twelve fishermen and at least twice as many out-of-work prostitutes, who paid the bills, two girls for every boy, none of whom ever washed their hands before lunch; that he worked for Beelzebub; and yada-yada-yada. Yet her husband, for whatever reason, had actually invited this man into their own home for dinner – a fully kosher dinner that she had to cook.
Now that the dinner was over, Mrs. Simon wanted Jesus out of there. What happens instead? Horseplay! She gets clobbered by a woman running from the dining room.
Mrs. Simon, though uninjured, tried on a variety of facial expressions, from stunned, to confused, to deeply unhappy.
Well, you can imagine, it was a very tense moment. The hubby needed to say something, and did. With a big, dumb grin on his face, Mr. Simon smiled and said, sheepishly, "Honey? Jesus here has thrown seven devils out of that gal, and she just keeps on a-comin'!" (Luke 8:2).
– L.
(Tomorrow: the adventures of Mary Magdalene, continued!)
Posted by Lucifer at 09:51 PM
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