Lucifer's True History of Everything
Oct 12, 06 03:57 PM
Previous Entry
Next Entry
First Entry
True Life of Jesus, cont.
The other day in the Virgin Superstore I picked up a book by some guy, Dan Brown, who writes that Jesus, before they crucified him, wedded and bedded Mary Magdalene. I had to laugh! Obviously, Mr. Brown does not know Jesus Christ.
Or Mary Magdalene, for that matter. But that's okay. Everyone else did.
Except, of course, Jesus.
Okay, Jesus, knew Mary Magdalene, but he did not "know" her. Not in the downright biblical sense of having scored.
Jesus would never ... I mean, c'mon.
I'm not saying that Mary Magdalene wasn't attractive. She could have had any guy in town, and often did. Except, as I just said, Jesus.
Still, I do think that Jesus could have spared the woman's feelings. You probably remember the story, it's been told often enough. There were tears.
Jesus was over in Bethany, three kilometers east of Jerusalem, having dinner in the home of Mr. Simon, a Pharisee. Mary – who lived in a stone mansion called "Mary's Place" on the other side of town – entered without knocking and tiptoed into Simon's dining room, smiling from ear to ear like a Cheshire pussycat.
Earlier that afternoon, in the city, Jesus had exorcised from her flesh a Hebrew devil, her sixth, which was something of a record (Jesus told Mary it was not a record for anyone to be proud of).
Coming now into Simon's dining room, uninvited, Mary Magdalene hoisted her dress a little and knelt down at Jesus' feet. Then – uncorking an alabaster jug of spikenard, a costly fragrance (she was a working girl) – she quietly proceeded to wash Jesus' weary feet with the perfume (Luke 7:36-44).
Now if you ever knew Mary, and most of us did, you would remember that she had the cutest, kinda puffy nipples. I tried to get Jesus to look down her dress, to check 'em out. Instead, when Mary leaned over, kissing him – first his left foot, then his right – from toe, to heel, to ankle, and halfway up his shin – and kept kissing him – and then kept on kissing him – Jesus just averted his eyes. He looked up toward Heaven, as if to say: "Okay, Father, what do I do about this situation?" (Luke 7:45).
Mr. Simon bandied about some hasty words with Jesus about Mary's reputation, but Jesus seemed not to mind, so Mr. Simon popped his head under the table, to see what in hell was going on down there. Whatever it was, as a Pharisee – as an evangelical fundamentalist Old-Testament-believing Jew – Mr. Simon knew that he did not approve, especially not in his own house.
Mary, she whips around to look, and here's Mr. Simon with his head under the table, who now – without having intended it – is staring right down Mary's very loose dress, and he sees those nipples, and for a second it just stops him until he realises what he's looking at.
Not wishing his intentions to be misunderstood (he was a righteous man), Mr. Simon quickly sat up – only his head didn't clear the corner of the table and there was this loud thwack, which caught even Jesus by surprise.
So Mr. Simon falls to rubbing his head, scowling, and Mary returns to the foot massage, and Jesus goes back to gazing heavenward. He is still not saying anything, just kind of wondering, I suppose, if he should say something, about how he appreciates the thought behind the gesture, but the gesture itself may be crossing the line – the line, at this exact moment, being at Jesus' kneecaps, but who knows where she thinks she's going with this? (Luke 7:45-47).
– L.
(Tomorrow: onward and upward!)
Posted by Lucifer at 03:57 PM
Previous Entry
Next Entry
Who is Lucifer? Vote here
Comment on this entry
I cannot believe that a person who has ever known the love of God can relish a secular novel. Let me visit your chamber, your parlor, or wherever you keep your books. What is here? Byron, Scott, Shakespeare, and a host of triflers and blasphemers of God.
Posted by: Charles Grandison Finney
at
October 16, 2006 11:39 PM
First Entry
