Lucifer's True History of Everything
Oct 9, 06 04:14 PM
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True Life of Jesus, cont.
The best information I was ever able to get from eyewitnesses is that Jesus cured the blind by putting some of his spit into their eyes (Mark 8:21-26, John 9:6); which is also the way that Ananias healed the blindness of Saul of Tarsus (Acts 9:17); but when I tried that method (on blind children whom Jesus had no time to heal), I could not get it to work. Jesus is said also to have healed the deaf by dribbling his spit into the victims' ears; but that does not seem to work, either. (I may just have the wrong kind of spit.)
Saint Mark reports that Jesus also healed the mute by putting some of his spit onto the person's tongue while uttering the magic word, "Ephphatha!" (Mark 7:32-35); but that is something I have not tried. Putting my saliva onto another person's tongue is something I would not do, except accidentally, while kissing; and besides, who can remember the magic word, "Ephphatha," at a moment like that, even if the girl is blind and has laryngitis?
The Twelve disciples ran into the same basic problem. Whenever they attempted a major-league miracle such as an exorcism, they came home frustrated – and with cotton-mouth from having spit themselves dry without a lick of success. The disciples asked Jesus why their attempted cures "in Jesus' name" failed to take effect (Matt. 20:19, Mark 9:17-19).
That's when Jesus explained to the Twelve that some demoniacs (schizophrenics especially), are tough nuts to crack. And unless you're Jesus (said Jesus) those demoniacs require months of prayer and fasting before the devil will leave the victim's brain. Which is like a Catch-22: on the one hand, a raving lunatic cannot be healed without prayer and fasting. But you can never get the lunatic to pray, because the lunatic is crazy and he sees no sense in prayer. (Your typical nutter cannot tell the difference between talking to God, and just talking to himself with his eyes closed and his hands in the air.)
Usually, you cannot get a lunatic to fast, either. The lunatic will just say: "What, do without food? Why, that's crazy!" And before you know it, the apostles and Christian missionaries are suddenly expected to do the prayer and fasting in the lunatic's behalf. But the Twelve disciples were always on the move. They could not pray or starve themselves for some lunatic they met back, say, in Bethsaida, if they had since moved on to Chorazin (Matt. 14:17-21, Mark 9:28-30). As a result of this dilemma, by the time Jesus was crucified and resurrected, the holy land was just as full of nut-jobs as when he arrived. In fact, it still is.
– L.
Posted by Lucifer at 04:14 PM
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