Lucifer's True History of Everything
Oct 4, 06 08:26 AM
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True Life of Jesus, cont.
From that time forth, Jesus began to preach, saying, "Repent!" and "Woe unto you!" (Matt. 4:17).
I was reading somewhere the other day – I think it was in the Journal of Literary and Linguistic Computing – that they've done a statistical analysis of Jesus' sermons, as recorded in the Gospels, to identify his central themes. I was not unsurprised to learn that Jesus, when preaching, mentioned the "Kingdom of Heaven" almost once every seven minutes, as in: "God shall admit whores into the Kingdom of Heaven before admitting people like you" (Matt. 21:31). Jesus' favourite three-word phrase, however – which he uttered, on average, about every 72 seconds – was "Woe unto you!" (e.g., Matt. 23:13, 23:14, 23:15, 23:16, 23:23, 23:25, 23:27, 23:29....).
(When the woe hits the fan, and it will, don't say that Jesus never gave you a heads-up. In his sermons he issued a heads-up about every 72 seconds.)
In 28 CE, Jesus and I spent six weeks together, hiking in the wilderness and then taking a tour of Jerusalem. We talked. We reminisced. We shared our fantasies. My idea was for Jesus to have a little fun while he lived among humankind, maybe even commit a harmless sin or two, just as a life-experience; but he was not open to that suggestion (Mark 1:13). When he became hungry, I tempted him to turn stones into bread. He didn't bite. When he felt discouraged, I tempted him to throw himself off a pinnacle without getting hurt, thereby to prove his divinity. He didn't jump. Testing the limits of his courtesy, I offered him a sizable chunk of real estate – the entire planet – if he would pay me a single compliment of the sort Yahveh gets every day of the year. No thanks. And when he was horny – yes, Jesus was tempted in all points like any other man, but without sin – I'd catch his attention with some short-togaed Roman shiksa and whisper in his ear and say, "Hey, Jesus, how'd you like some o' that before returning to Heaven!" (Hebrews 4:15).
But Jesus would just his squeeze eyes shut in that cute way he has, and say, "Woe unto you, Lucifer, for trying to make me think about that!" (Matt. 4:1-11).
In retrospect, I have always felt my timing was off: for it was immediately after the baptismal service – right after he saw his Father looking down on us from Heaven – that I tempted Jesus to dabble in sin. I should have tempted him to dabble sooner, during his adolescence. Instead, Jesus' unassailable virtue struck a harmful blow to my self-esteem. It's quite unusual when I earnestly tempt someone to sin, as I did Jesus, for my suggestions to be rejected flat out. But with Jesus I hit a brick wall. I tried every rhetorical, Jesuitical, trick in the book. I could not even make Jesus want to dabble in sin. So I guess you could say that, between the two of us, Jesus proved himself the better man. He is certainly more obedient than I am. Well, more power to him! I've got no beef with Jesus.
– L.
Posted by Lucifer at 08:26 AM
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