Lucifer's True History of Everything
Sep 11, 06 12:51 PM
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The True Life of Jesus, continued
Meanwhile, back in Heaven, up toward where Jesus came from, a new star appeared, "the Star of David," traveling westward from the Orient – a celestial event that prompted three oriental kings, amateur astronomers, to give chase. These three wise men, or "magi," raced their camels westward to Judaea, arriving just in time for Jesus' birth – but then it clouded over on Christmas Eve, so that they lost sight of the star.
In the morning, the magi sought and received an audience with King Herod, who was always happy to meet kings from other countries, and to compare notes.
After the usual courtesies, the three wise men confided in King Herod why they had come to Jerusalem: "Where," they asked, "is the new King of the Jews? For we have seen his star in the East, and have come to worship him" (Matthew 2:1).
Okay, stupid question. Just imagine if three European statesmen were to visit some tinpot South American dictator and say, "How may we honour the next ruler of your country?"
Herod almost roared: "I am the King of the Jews!" Instead, he craftily persuaded the three wise men that he, too, hoped to worship the newborn babe, and they totally believed him (Matthew 2:2).
Beelzebub ever since has referred to the three wise men as "Manny, Moe, and Jack." Beelzebub says that it's a good thing no one ever actually gave them an exploding rubber cigar, as in the song, or "those three Oriental stooges would have tried to smoke it, almost certainly."
That night, soon after dinner, the sky cleared. The Star of David again came up over the eastern hills.
When the star had zoomed almost directly overhead, the wise men mounted their camels, and resumed their quest, leaving by the Joppa Gate. A squadron of spies – Herod had spies stationed at every gate – saw the three kings leaving town, and gave chase.
Spotting Herod's spies, the wise men mistook them for common thugs. A comical scene followed. The nervous wise men tried to lose the spies without losing sight of the Star of David. The star zigzagged overhead, leading their camels through a maze of narrow streets, into an olive orchard, down a ravine, and out into the desert; with Herod's spies in hot pursuit.
The wise men were finally able to ditch the spies. But then the Star of David almost ditched the wise men, by taking a sharp left turn and heading south over the Hebron trail, at a high rate of speed. The wise men spurred their camels and gave chase.
From west Jerusalem, the Star traveled ten kilometers south until it reached the village of Bethlehem, where it suddenly stopped dead in its tracks -– which gave the magi a welcome chance to catch up. Then, quite suddenly, the Star beamed down a ray of light upon the entrance to a cave – the very stable where the holy family was camped out (Matthew 2:3-9).
In my journal for December, 1 BCE, is a Latin note in my own hand, stating that the Star of David appeared to be "a bright meteorite, moving marvelously slow," but with "a multi-directional ray of light." Today, I'm not so sure of that. In retrospect, I wonder if the "Star of David" may not have been some kind of technology I did not understand at the time, such as an intergalactic spacecraft, equipped with GPS and a laser-beam, operated by the archangel Gabriel. The gospels say that it was really a star, and I'm happy to go with that version because I did not go up there to investigate. It could have been a real star, but then, it could have been a spacecraft. God only knows! The important thing, I guess, is this: if that Light had not guided those three Oriental kings and their three camels to the right place at the right time, then people to this very day would have six fewer figurines in their holiday crèche sets.
Entering the cave on foot, the three wise men presented Jesus with the world's first Christmas gifts: gold, and frankincense, and myrrh.
Joseph said that a baby of Jesus' age really wouldn't know what to do with frankincense and myrrh, so take it away, but Mary said no, the wise men "knew just what the baby Jesus wanted most, which was some costly aromatic gum to freshen the air"; and "thank you ever so much"; and "please excuse my fiancé, who has never bought me any thing; and who made me ride to this place on a donkey, from Nazareth, when I was already great with child – nine months pregnant! – and who seems unable to remember his manners even when three famous, gallant, and wise kings have brought lovely presents all the way from the Orient for my baby boy..." (etc., etc.).
Joseph muttered under his breath, "What a Rebel! what a Sea of Bitterness!" – but Mary silenced him with a stern look (Matthew 2:10-11).
After the gifts had been opened, Mary graciously showed her guests – the three kings and their three camels – to the front door. And as she stood there waving goodbye, the magi rejoiced in their hearts that they could now return to Jerusalem, to inform Herod where to find the newborn King of the Jews. (This was not because the wise men deliberately wanted to get Mary, Joseph, and the baby into trouble with Herod, but because they had too little expertise in Middle Eastern political realities.)
To prevent the magi from returning to Herod and stupidly disclosing the whereabouts of the holy family, Gabriel intercepted the wise men on the road to Jerusalem, appearing before them as a fiery spirit with a flaming sword – a sight that scared the crap out of the three camels, quite literally.
"Go home now," said Gabriel, pointing due east with his sword (Matthew 2:12). The archangel thanked the magi for their nice presents, and he promised them, "Behold, when he that is born the King of the Jews cometh to power, your own three nations [modern-day Iraq, Iran, and Afghanistan] shall not be among the nations that get blasted."
A few days later, Joseph left Mary there in the stable, and carried his little stepson to Jerusalem, to the Temple, for his bris. Thus it came to pass on the first day of the new millennium – 1 January, 1 CE – that the Son of God was properly circumcised, without mishap, by Rabboni Simeon Mahershalalbaz, a nice man who declared, "This little one shall be for the fall and rising again of many" (Luke 2:34).
You may be wondering: "What did they do with the foreskin of the baby Jesus?" – a question hotly debated by theologians for almost sixteen centuries. Saint Thomas Aquinas believed that the holy prepuce was restored to Jesus thirty years later, when he arose bodily from the dead. But the earliest authorities report that when Jesus returned to heaven, his infant foreskin was among the few holy relics that he left behind, along with drops of blood, whiskers, fingernail clippings, and the like. Saint Jerome, however, reports that Simeon wore the Lord's foreskin for a pinkie ring and thereby performed many great and wonderful miracles.
According to one popular Christian folk tradition – a story that I find hard to believe – the Virgin Mary preserved her son's foreskin in a small golden casket until the Last Supper, when Jesus pulled it out, and performed a miracle on it, and then blessed it and served it to the Twelve in the form of a fresh bagel.
Frankly, I don't understand why priests and theologians spent so many centuries obsessing over the Lord's penis from either angle. Scripture reports that Jesus had one, and that it was circumcised. End of story. It's not like he ever did anything of interest with it, so why quibble over what was done with the parings?
Mary, meanwhile, remained "impure" for forty days after giving birth to her firstborn, during which time she and Joseph slept in separate beds "until the days of her purification [were] complete." Joseph then sacrificed two pigeons to Yahveh and said, "My darling, we may now know one another" (Lev. 12:2-5; Luke 2:21-2).
But the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream, saying: "No, you don't, not yet!"
Trouble was brewing in the capital. Having been stood up by the three wise men, Herod had popped his tyrannical cork and was ready to kill someone. Yahveh instructed Joseph to make haste, and to flee with Mary and the babe to Egypt. So Mary packed up the donkey and the holy family headed south, by night (Matthew 2:13-14).
The secular records of antiquity wrongly suppose that King Herod was now already four years dead; which is why such works as Josephus's History of the Jews neglect to mention the Judaean baby-massacre. Correcting that oversight, the Gospel of Matthew tells how Herod arrested "all of the babies that dwelt in Bethlehem, and in all the coasts thereof, from two years old and under." He then gave the infants a sham trial and sentenced them to death.
Herod's people crucified those precious little tikes on miniature crosses, in lines stretching along every Bethlehem highway, like fenceposts, each little cross having a dead Jewish baby nailed to it (Matt. 2:16-18). I would not be too surprised to learn from Saint Matthew that King Herod also cooked and ate a few of them – because that's just King Herod for you.
The Church patriarchs report that the crucified babies were not strictly "innocent," for most of them slept in warm comfy beds while God's own Son slept in a manger; which is why Yahveh let King Herod live for an extra four years while letting so many Jewish infants die before the age of two – except, of course, his own Son, baby Jesus – because that's just Yahveh for you.
– L.
Posted by Lucifer at 12:51 PM
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