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Lucifer's True History of Everything

Sep 4, 06 04:38 PM

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The True Life of Jesus, continued

By the time they reached Judaea, Mary was exhausted, three days past due, and ready to pop (Luke 2:8).  Joseph was in no mood, either:  it annoyed him that Mary had to get off the donkey every little bit for a rest stop.  For much of that difficult road trip, Joseph had poor Mary in tears.

The young couple arrived in Bethlehem just in time for the first Christmas, but their ordeal was not yet over.  They heard the same story from everyone:  no vacancies for a teenaged boy and a pregnant fiancé having contractions!  

Joseph and Mary finally took refuge in a cave called "the Cowhouse," used by local innkeepers as a stable (Luke 2:6).

During the actual delivery, I stayed outside, feeling squeamish.  If you're curious about the details of Jesus' delivery, you will find them in the first-century Gospel of James the Apostle – a book which, although it was inspired by the holy Ghost, was subsequently excluded from the New Testament on account of certain obstetric details about how the midwife, Salome, thought to prove Mary's virginity before getting started with the delivery; and how she got her fingers burned off by fire from Heaven.

Weirdly, as soon as the baby was born, Joseph softened his attitude.  I heard him say, "Mary, I have a feeling for this boy.  He's going to start something!"
 
He also said: "Only over my dead body will his name be called Immanuel!"

Joseph, who could read, had looked up the prophecy of Isaiah that Gabriel had quoted at him:
...his name shall be called Immanuel, and before he learns the difference between good and evil, Immanuel will glut himself on butter and honey ... In that day, the Lord will hiss for the fly ... and in every place where there are a thousand vines worth a thousand silver shekels, there will be left only briers and thorns. (Isaiah 7:14-25)
"Well, there's a dandy prediction for you," said Joseph, somewhat bitterly, when he read that.

Joseph was superstitious about names:  he knew that "Mary," in Hebrew, can mean only Rebel or Sea of bitterness, and he thought to himself:  How true!  He knew also that "Joseph," in Hebrew, means Yahveh does the adding, and he thought:  "Worse and worse!"

"I would not name a Jewish mule Immanuel," said Joseph.  "Your son's name shall be called either Joseph or Jesus.  Take your pick."

Mary preferred Jesus, which in those days was a popular Jewish boy's name, and it was not considered especially Hispanic.

"Jesus it is, then," said Joseph. "And if your angel-friend, Gabriel, doesn't like it, he can go [ – ]."  Joseph here made the irreverent suggestion that Gabriel could do something that is not anatomically possible, not even for an archangel.  Mary said that such talk was inappropriate, even in a stable.

Joseph apologised.

I actually had a hard time getting used to calling the Son of God "Jesus," but I would not have liked "Immanuel," either.  Back in my prehistoric days as a heavenly choirboy, Dad always called the second person of the Trinity, "Ben," which is a Hebrew word meaning Son.  But when Ben came down to Earth, Joseph and Mary had good instincts in naming him "Jesus." For one thing, you cannot make a nickname out of it.  Even Yahveh later conceded that "Jesus" was a better call than either "Ben" or "Immanuel." A Messiah whom everyone called "Benny Christ" or "Manny of Nazareth" would not have caught on.  But "Jesus" was perfect.

 – L.

Posted by Lucifer at 04:38 PM

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