Lucifer's True History of Everything
Aug 30, 06 10:18 AM
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The True Life of Jesus, continued
I can personally attest to Mary's honour: Joseph during his engagement never got to first base, and I don't think anyone else did, either. (I know I didn't!) In fact, when Mary started to show, Joseph was surprised, most definitely. I still remember the first thing he said when he found out. He said, "I'm gonna kill someone."
Mary found it embarrassing to speak with Joseph about her immaculate conception. But she offered to share her miraculous tale with him because he might otherwise feel as if he was obliged to defend her honour, and find out who "really" did it, and maybe kill someone.
With a patient, vestal smile, Mary tried to explain to her jealous fiancé how she was made pregnant down south, not by an ordinary mortal, nor by Zacharias, who was impotent, but by the holy Ghost; and how, when she returned home, the other teens of Nazareth did not believe her but were now calling her such names as "divine Sex Kitten" and "blessed Virgin," and etc.; and how, if Joseph wished to defend her, maybe he could have a little talk with those other, catty, local teenagers, especially as regards the "etc."
"Pregnant by whose ghost?" asked Joseph, perplexed – for the Jews had not yet learned that God is actually a trio (Acts 19:2).
"Never mind," said Mary. "You wouldn't understand."
"You got that right!" said Joseph. (Joseph was a novice in matters of theology, having picked up certain misconstrued ideas in Sabbath School, or from the Old Testament, concerning monotheism.)
Mary could see that he wasn't buying it. "I'm not making it up," she said, on the verge of tears. "You can ask Gabriel!"
"Who is Gabriel?" asked Joseph.
"Oh, he's just an angel!" said Mary.
"I was afraid of that," said Joseph. He could barely suppress an unjust suspicion. Being "a man of justice," Joseph privily resolved to "put the girl away," by stoning (Matt. 1:19, KJV; Deut. 22:21-25). What gave him pause is that, according to the same Law of Moses, the "bride price" he had paid for Mary was non-refundable; and Joseph was not wealthy.
Now in tears, the Virgin Mary said, "Truly, Joseph, Gabriel never touched me! It was the Lord! The hand of the Lord was in it!" – but Joseph just stopped his ears, and "tore his raiment and put ashes on his head," alleging that Mary's remark was a blasphemous thing for anyone to say, or even to think about.
For the next two weeks, Joseph did not speak to Mary, or visit her house. When she came by and knocked on his door, he pretended not to be home. Poor Mary was distraught.
Joseph finally softened when he received a surprise visit from Gabriel, who confirmed Mary's story: "Behold," said Gabriel, paraphrasing the Old Testament book of Isaiah, "a [virgin] shall be with child, and shall give birth to a son, and his name shall be called Immanuel" (Matt. 1:20-23).
Having engaged himself to a Hebrew alma ("young woman," but she was also a virgin), Joseph was not too thrilled to learn (as he later retold the story) that "the Lord had already been there and done that." But he obediently canceled his reservation at the local synagogue for the girl to be stoned to death by the community. And to play it safe, "he did not know her" – i.e., not in the "Mary knew the Lord" sense – "until after she had brought forth her firstborn son" (Matt. 1:24-25).
– L.
(You'd better watch out! Jesus Christ is coming to town! Tomorrow!)
Posted by Lucifer at 10:18 AM
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