Paul's second unassisted miracle – or was it the first? I get the two of them mixed up – was on the island of Malta. No, not Malta, Paphos – Malta was where Paul claimed to have performed his third miracle, which was to heal a man who suffered from major diarrhea (Acts 28:8). But this other miracle that I'm thinking of also happened somewhere out in the middle of the Mediterranean, possibly on Paphos. I was not there with Paul at the time – I was back in Jerusalem, hanging out with my friend, Belial. But I remember Paul telling the story of how, on an island somewhere, he and his missionary friend Barnabas met a Jewish witch named "Master Elymas Bar-Jesus," and performed a powerful miracle.
The surname, "Bar-Jesus," was misleading: it meant "son of Jesus," which was certainly not accurate. This Jewish witch on occasion also used the alias, "Bar-Magdalene," which was not true, either, it was just a cheap shot, an attempt to become famous by riding on the name of a celebrity – as when Ernest Evans called himself "Chubby Checker" so that people in radioland would think he as cool as Fats Domino; or when Brian Warner called himself "Marilyn Manson" so that people would take him for the offspring of Charles Manson and Marilyn Monroe, or of Marilyn and Jesus (who often called himself the "Son of Man"). I hate it when aspiring stars do that. So did Paul. And besides riding on the coattails of Master Jesus Bar-Yahveh, this clever "Master Bar-Jesus" was also a famous Jewish witch, whom the Law of Moses proclaims must be burned at the stake (Acts 13:6, Exod. 22:18). So even before Paul met the man, he knew in his heart: There will be fireworks.
Now on this particular island there was a Roman proconsul named Sergey Paul (no relation to Saint Paul); and he was the one man on the island whom Paul and Barnabas most wanted to meet. Everyone said – and the holy Ghost has said it, too – that Mr. Paul "was an intelligent man" (Acts 13:7). In the entire Bible, no one else is said to be "intelligent" except God, plus Abigail, the wife of Nabal; but Abigail had been dead now for nearly a thousand years, and besides, Abigail did not wise up until after she married Nabal, who is described in Scripture as a "surly fool" (1 Sam. 25:3). Paul and Barnabas agreed that if they could just persuade an "intelligent" man like Sergey Paul to become a Christian – well, that would be quite a coup, quite possibly an Early Church first!
Paul and Barnabas traveled all over the island until they found Mr. Paul's architecturally interesting and tastefully decorated residence. But when the two missionaries sought an audience with the ingenious proconsul, they were met at the front gate by the Jewish witch, Elymas Bar-Jesus, who happened to be Mr. Paul's butler! (For even the most intelligent men, such as Sergey Paul, can sometimes be fooled by a religious trickster, such as Bar-Jesus; and Sergey Paul was one of them.)
When Bar-Jesus discovered Christian competition had come from the holy land and was knocking at the gate, he wasn't too thrilled. He knew he would be out of a job if Paul and Barnabas talked the intelligent proconsul into becoming a Christian. So Mr. Elymas Bar-Jesus "opposed them and tried to turn Mr. Paul from the faith" (Acts 13:8).
Barnabas, sorely disappointed at this unexpected setback, turned to go. It seemed to him as if he and Paul and had sailed, and then walked, a long way for nothing. "That's just wrong," he said. "That is so wrong!" But Paul would not take no for an answer from a Jewish witch.
Saint Luke and the holy Ghost tell it better than I could do. Here's the rest of the story directly from the book of Acts:
Then Saul, who was also called Paul, being filled with the holy Ghost, looked straight into Elymas's eye and said, "You, sir, are a spawn of the devil and an enemy of everything that is correct! You are full of all kinds of deceit and trickery! Will you never stop perverting the correct ways of the LORD? Now the hand of the LORD is against you. You will be unable, for a time, to see even the light of the sun. You are going to be blind!" (Acts 13:10-11).
[Elymas made a sarcastic remark, and waved his middle finger about, saying, "Woo-woo-woo, like you guys really scare me!" But...]
Immediately a fog and a darkness came over his sight, and he groped about, seeking someone to lead him by the hand! (Acts 13:12)
Later, when telling this anecdote back in Jerusalem, which is where I first heard it, Paul said that he laughed himself silly all the way back to the boat! He said you should've just seen Elymas the Jewish witch making a frightened dash for Sergey's front door, and then cracking his shins into the yard furniture like that! It was just too funny!
After the Bar-Jesus caper, that became one of Paul's favourite miracle stories, how he always used to strike his critics blind for a time so that they groped about, smacking their shins on the yard furniture or on whatever else happened to get in their way. And Paul said he knew just what they were going through, ha ha ha! Because Jesus did it to him, too, just punched his lights out, while on the road to Damascus!
Eventually, the word got around: Don't criticise the apostle Paul, or he will strike you blind, and then for a joke he will steer you off in the wrong direction, or put obstacles in your path and laugh when you break your shins or stumble; or else he will make you as deaf as a stone, and then shout curses at you, and laugh hysterically because you cannot hear what he is saying (Deut. 27:14, Lev.19:14).
But if you want to know, my own opinion is that Saint Paul was just a blowhard. I don't believe he ever really did half of that stuff.
– L.
