What is WaitWear, you ask? Virtuous question!

"Wait Wear is a young contemporary clothing line that boldly promotes chastity until marriage in all of its apparel. It began in 2002 when the Founder, Yvette Thomas, awoke one night from a dream she had about putting simple messages, like No Vow, No Sex, on underwear, to help individuals remember the commitments they have made to remain celibate until marriage."

—Miss Yvette Thomas

<http://www.waitwear.com>

Yvette Thomas's stylish line of feminine undergarments allows a Christian teen or spinster to spell out, on her undies, what she will or will not do. The "willing" category includes machine wash. The "will not" category includes taking them off in the back seat of a car. Printed right there on WaitWear panties – on the frontside, or backside, or both, in boldly promotional print – are little reminders to be good.

Now if you have made a promise, as Britney Spears once did, to wait until marriage, or if you are a born-again virgin who does not wish to bear one, then WaitWear may be seen (by the boyfriend, too, if he's lucky!) as a godsend. For just when the petting has gotten almost out of hand, suddenly your boyfriend can read this message, printed in big black letters on your tiny white underpants, or vice versa: "Virginity Lane: Exit When Married."

Yvette's idea, and it is a good one, is that if your date gets as far as your knickers on Saturday night, and if he reads the message and goes no further, then you and your parents, and your youth minister, and maybe even the boyfriend himself, will thank God on Sunday morning that you wore your WaitWear lingerie.

(Girls: Be reminded that WaitWear, though a valued aid to holy abstinence, is not wholly foolproof. Yvette's company will not be held responsible if the system fails. Better to think of the message on your underpants as a line of last defense, lest you should do something incautious, such as throw open the gates and surrender the fortress, only to discover, a month later, that the fortress has one extra little person in it!)

(To Yvette, if you're reading today: This is just a suggestion, but now that I think about it, shouldn't we maybe drop the subtitle on the hot short panties that read, "Virginity Lane: Exit When Married"? Seriously, Yvette: if I'm a guy, and I'm already halfway up Virginity Lane, how am I supposed wait until marriage before making my exit? Maybe someone these days is sending Christian teens the wrong message! Maybe it's the message on our own girlfriend's underwear!)

(Christian fathers: If you have a teenaged daughter and you are worried about what she may do with her boyfriend when you're not around, then allow Yvette and me to suggest that you buy your daughter an entire outfit. The WaitWear baby blue Boy Beater tank top ($19.99) has "textured ribbing for more stretch and give," which sounds a little worrisome; but it would work well, I think, under the snow-white "Wait for Marriage" jacket ($39.99), when worn with the cream-on-asphalt "Chaste Couture" pants down below ($37.98), and black "Traffic Control" hot short panties underneath ($12.99). The slacks are said to be good for "exercise loathers," and if your daughter is one of those, well, that's good! because then you don't even need to think about her underwear! But just in case, you can also buy WaitWear panties with the warning, "No Trespassing on this Property: My Father is Watching" – which is not really as kinky as it sounds because it is your daughter's heavenly Father, not you, who will be keeping an eye on whatever goes on, or comes off, down there.)

(Boyfriends: You can buy WaitWear panties in sizes 1 to 14. But if your girlfriend wears size 14, what need for Chaste Couture? What barbarian, except you, shall ever knock at the gate? Truly, if you are a man who nearly loses all self-control around a girl in size 14 knickers, then you are a man to whom I would not entrust my own dear Nellie [Nellie was my horse, but that was years ago; and besides, don't get your hopes up because the nag is dead.] The one advantage of a size 14 WaitWear panty, as I see it, is that you could special-order a whole Bible passage printed across the buttocks of your gal's panties, such as 1 Corinthians, chapter 7, as a little reminder for when you arrive; and then beg off, citing holy Scripture, saying, "Not tonight, honey, I have already come under conviction of the holy Spirit.")

Call it "nostalgia," but I find WaitWear virgin underpants quite sexy. "Chastity Knickers" is what I like to call them. That is because I once dated an English girl – this was 140 years ago – with that exact name. She was the eldest daughter of the Rev. and Mrs. William Knickers of Liverpool; which, if you knew Chastity, as I did, then you would have agreed with me that her Christian name was ironic. In fact, if you want to know the truth, it would have done that girl no harm whatsoever if she had worn panties that said, "No, for once.")

My personal favourite, although it is not something I would wear myself, is WaitWear's "Chaste Couture Thong" ($10.98), which Yvette advertises as "A panty that fits, looks, and feels like no other" – and I can personally attest to that. The thong is available in off-white and fuchsia. I recently gave one to my close personal friend, Ms. Heather Kelly, 21, of Chicago. It was a perfect fit, looked terrific, and felt quite lovely. I was completely satisfied. But I think I should have bought the off-white. Heather, who could not pronounce fuchsia, uttered a phrase one would not ordinarily hear on family TV. But Heather's wonderful slip of the tongue – and don't even get me going on that subject – also gave me an idea for a new line: last week I sent an email note to Yvette Thomas, suggesting that WaitWear should offer panties in white or nearly-white with a large-print message that reads: "Fuchsia Only After the Wedding."

But then I discovered something else that shocked me – and I swear this is true, you can go online and see for yourself (http://www.waitwear.com/shop_4.html): WaitWear has put out lovely new underpants with a pull-down menu that reads "Black / Heather / Kelly / Fuchsia" – and I thought, How true! Because my friend Heather Kelly of Chicago also happens to be an African American. Well, a coincidence like that does not just happen. Whenever I read something like that, I just know that God is not dead, that he is still up there and that he's trying to tell me something.

(To Heather, in case you're reading today: You and I are back on for Friday night. Sorry about last week. I'm such an old fool – I should never have kept you waiting! Next time I'll try to come sooner. In the meantime, watch for the FedEx truck with a package from Inglewood, California.)

I would actually like to follow in the footsteps of Saint Paul and Yvette. That's my dream, to start my own product line. My first idea was to market "Lucifer's SafeWear condoms," coming in Bright Amber, which is the Lord's own hue (Ezek. 1:4, 1:27, 8:2), and one that would nicely complement the entire WaitWear spectrum, from snow-white to asphalt. My SafeWear condoms would bear the same advertising blurb as for WaitWear's Boy Beater tank top: "textured ribbing for more stretch and give." Yvette's corporate motto, with its catchy triune solecism – "WaitWear: Where Purity, Chastity, and Power Meets [sic] Fashion!" – further provided the inspiration for my own original company slogan: "SafeWear: Where the Rubber, Spermicide, and Lubricant Meets the Road!"

But then I Googled and I discovered to my horror that I have already waited too long, because someone else has beat me to the SafeWear logo. Available online at <www.safewear.com> are some very handsome SafeWear^® condoms, coming in two styles, "Pleasure Plus" and "Slippery Enough." So I had to think of something else. That's when I sketched out a new little device that I wish to call the "Chaste Couture Athletic Mouthguard." I have high hopes for a celebrity endorsement from my friend, Monica. I don't know if Yvette will agree to market the thing for me. My guess is that she will just say no. But I do think that my chaste latex mouthguard invention could be a terrific hit among Christian teens, and not unwarranted, with the way some of these born-again evangelical kids carry on these days.

My newest, and I think my best, idea is to sell Lucifer's ScoreWear^® – "Literary Boxer Shorts" and hot short "Lyrical Briefs"­­ – for the guys, in sets of seven, with a different carpe diem poem on each: "Had we but world enough, and time, / This coyness, lady, were no crime." "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may." "Come, my darling, let us prove, / While we can, the sports of love." That sort of thing. How many times has some fellow has gotten to first base, and second, and third, but then failed to score? But if he were to be wearing Lucifer's Lyrical Briefs, and a literary message printed on spotlessly clean boxer shorts ("Coming soon!"), now that could be awfully romantic! Maybe then us guys would not have to wait around for our Christian girlfriends to make up their minds what they would like to do for the rest of the evening.

– L.