In September, 39 CE, Saul of Tarsus began his preaching career. "The First Paul of Damascus World Evangelistic Crusade" was held on three successive Saturdays in a tent just outside a Damascus synagogue, where the orthodox Jews could not possibly miss it. (This experimental evangelistic strategy is something Paul called "targeted witnessing.") There was some grumbling about it – especially from certain black-robed, white-bearded Jews sitting on benches out front; solemn men who fingered their prayer-cloths, and muttered prayers I could not understand, such as "Pisher, gay gay kakhen afenyam!" and "Nudnik, gay avek!" and "A khalerye, schmegegge!"

But Paul in that first outing scored a devastating intellectual triumph. As he later told the story to Saint Luke. the rookie apostle "powerfully confounded the Jews of Damascus, by proving that Jesus is the true Christ!" (Acts 9.22).

Paul said he discovered his lengthy but compulsory proof that Jesus is the true Christ during a visit to Jerusalem: he was in the Temple, praying, when he "fell into a trance," and the whole argument just kind of fell into place, complete with Scriptural support.

Unhappily, during the apostle's first missionary journey, "Paul's Proof" (as it came to be called) was lost in a shipwreck off the coast of Salamis, and Paul was never able to reconstruct it, without glitches. But, oh well.

All I can remember about the legendary proof is that Paul quoted the Old Testament quite a bit, and he always closed with the smoking-gun argument that "Jesus Christ is the only descendant of King David who has Christ for a surname."

After the mishap at sea, whenever one of the Churches wrote to Paul, to request a copy of "Paul's Proof," or even to request evidence of his apostolic credentials, Paul typically popped his cork and threatened punitive action, as in his New Testament epistles to the Corinthians, Romans, Galatians, Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, and Thessalonians:

I may have made a dummy of myself, but you drove me to it. [...] On my return I will not refrain from punishing those who offended me earlier, nor any of the others who demand 'proof' that Christ's voice is speaking through me. (2 Cor. 12:11, 13:2-3)

Well, that's just Paul for you. (What a schmuck!)

And yet, not to worry, for though "Paul's Proof" was lost at sea, fresh proof was on the way! Soon after starting up his evangelistic ministry, Paul received from the holy Ghost a radical new idea for Christian fund-raising. The apostle purchased a quantity of handkerchiefs, wholesale. He rubbed each one on his body and blessed each one. He then set up a distribution team of energetic young brothers and sisters in Christ, and began marketing "Paul's Holy Hankies."

It was perhaps inevitable that some Christian, somewhere, would attempt to use one of Paul's Holy Hankies to heal the sick.

Well, guess what? It worked!! No one was more surprised than Paul himself! Oh, yes, one other person: Me! I was totally dumbfounded! Paul's Holy Hankies really did heal the sick! (Acts 19:11).

Holy Hankies were soon seen in homes throughout the Roman empire, and even in some hospitals. And I hate to admit it, but yes, I actually bought one myself, for the winter months when I might just get a head cold.

Okay, if you really must know, I purchased a baker's dozen, thirteen Holy Hankies for the price of twelve – and I was a sucker! It was a ripoff. I did not realise, when I bought so many, that the handkerchiefs would lose their charge after just a few months, even if I did not use them for anything. You could get a free re-charge by rubbing your Holy Hankie, once again, on the apostle Paul's flesh – but the thought of doing that just grossed me out. So I gave all thirteen of my Holy Hankies as a gift to my friend, Belial, and I'm not even going to tell you what he probably used them for.

Finding that his new business venture was blessed by God, Paul soon expanded into a line of "Holy Paul Aprons," which cost more, but covered more diseases. When dressed in a Holy Paul Apron, you could heal even the most terminal illness, or your money back (Acts 19:12).

Paul now realised what a fool he had been, in his days as an honest Jewish merchant of Cilicia, to have marketed tents, a product that no one but boy scouts and Bedouins would ever want to buy. There was a much better return on spiritual artifacts – and with the right line of Christian products, such as Paul's, you could do good at the same time.

(Beelzebub made a joke about that: he said he was wearing his Holy Paul Apron one day while frying some fish on the barbecue grill when he accidentally raised those fish from the dead! and boy, did they jump!)

– L.

(Tomorrow: Just Wait!)