The wealthier Jews of Tarsus, mostly Sadducees (and snooty), considered Saul and Esther and their son to be tent-trash, in part because Mr. Abbaskoptzi used his money to purchase Roman citizenship, which other Jews thought was a big waste of money. But Saul the elder happened also to be a blueblood Hebrew: he could and often did recite the family pedigree for you, backwards, all the way through Benjamin, Joseph, Jacob, Isaac, Abraham, Terah, Nahor, Serug, Reu, Shelah, Cainan, Arphaxad, Shem, Noah, Lamech, Methuselah, Enoch, Jared, Mahalalel, Cainan, Enos, Seth, and Adam. Not one drop of Gentile blood ran through Saul Abbaskoptzi's veins, unlike the wealthier Sadducees, who considered themselves true Jews but whose Hebrew ancestors had been shtupping and marrying shiksas, not always in that precise order, as far back as the twelve sons of Jacob, often with such lamentable results as liberal theology, half-Jewish children, and herpes (Acts 23:6).

As a blueblood Hebrew, Saul's father was a stickler for the Law of Moses. Despite his wealth as a tent-maker, Mr. Abbaskoptzi never required his slaves to work on the Sabbath; nor ever purchased a male slave without circumcising him, first thing; nor ever beat a slave so severely that the slave died within two days of the beating; nor ever sold a Hebrew slave to a foreign owner; as per the Scriptural guidelines for a white slavemaster.

Every Sabbath, Saul and Esther and the child worshiped with the local "Pharisees," a denomination of Scripture-thumping Jewish evangelical fundamentalists – the same cult whom Jesus, in his wisdom, would later denounce as a denomination of Scripture-thumping Jewish evangelical fundamentalists (Philippians 3:5).

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Saint Paul reports that, prior to his conversion to Christianity, he surpassed his father's zeal for Scripture, being "utterly blameless" under the Law of Moses, where his father was merely "conscientious." Circumcised on the eighth day (a point of obedience to which we shall return shortly), Saul the younger never said the name "Yahveh" out loud, nor did housework on Saturday. He never ate a goat boiled in its mother's milk, nor ever wore clothing made of two different kinds of fabric, nor ever allowed a Tarsus transvestite, nor any rape victim who did not scream aloud, to escape death, nor ever –

– but pardon me for having already wearied you with my tedious repetition of Paul's self-righteous self-congratulation. On his missionary travels, whenever Paul would start boasting of his perfections under the Mosaic Law, I'd want to throttle him. I'd hear the voice of God whisper in my ear, saying, "Buffet! Buffet!" But in this instance, we have the confirmation of the holy Ghost that Paul was indeed wholly blameless under the Old Testament Law. Truthfully, Paul while growing up as Saul Abbaskoptzi, Jr., was one of just seven perfect individuals in the entire history of the human race, a remarkable achievement, and another close parallel between Saul and Jesus (Philippians 3:6).

(In case you were wondering: you are not one of the five other sinless humans, and neither was your mother. The others with a flawless record, besides Paul and Jesus, are Noah, Job, the parents of John the Baptist, and the Virgin Mary [Gen. 6:9, Job 1:1, Luke 1:6-38].)

The Old Testament Law as dictated to Moses includes 613 divine commandments that God has said are obligatory unto the end of the world, even after the coming of Christ. Of those, 248 are "positive commandments" (such as, Thou shalt fear Yahveh); 365 are negative commandments (such as, Thou shalt not suffer a witch to live). To obey all 613 commandments is tough, especially for a child like Saint Paul, with his genetic tendency toward an exalted ego. That's where Scripture again helped: for whenever Saul Junior was tempted to transgress the Law of God, his Bible-believing parents reminded him of the punishment commanded for any little boy who deliberately disobeys: "Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him before the elders of his city ... And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, until dead" (Deut. 21:18-21).

Whenever there was an official brat-stoning in Tarsus, Saul Abbaskoptzi, Jr., being blameless under the Law, was always on hand to assist. He had such an awkward throwing-arm that he was rarely allowed to join the executioners, for fear that his rocks would miss the convicted sinner and hit an innocent bystander instead. But he did as much as he could do to help: whenever the Bible-believing Jews of Tarsus stoned someone for disobeying Scripture, Saul ran a coat-check for the rock-throwers, and cheered them on until the victim was dead (Acts 22:20).

You may have heard that Paul was himself stoned for blasphemy – but that came later, first in Lycaonium, then in Lystra, after he became a Christian. Paul escaped Lycaonium with bruises, thanks to his donkey. As the poor ass fled from rock-throwing Jewish fundamentalists, old Dobbin took the worst of it in both buttocks. But you should have seen the terrified apostle, hanging on for dear life, his right hand on the reins, his left hand holding onto his new hat of mixed fabric, as his donkey trotted through the Lycaonium city gate and down the road toward Lystra! Ha ha ha! (2 Cor. 11:25; 2 Tim. 3:11). Because I am not without sin, I did not throw the first stone. I did not throw any stones at all. But truly, if I had had in my hand an overripe tomato that day, or a raw egg, or a cream pie, I think I could not have resisted the temptation to join the fun. Any Jew for Jesus in those days who ventured into Lycaonium's orthodox district, on the Sabbath, wearing a flashy hat made of mixed fabric, and who actually got off his ass to preach the gospel of Christ, was just asking for trouble.

– L.

(To be continued!)