To make a stupid story short: King David conducted a census of his own people, the Israelites, counting only able-bodied warriors, not women, children, handicapped, or the elderly. Census takers fanned out across the land. And when the returns were fully counted, David discovered that he was king to 1,100,000 male Hebrews who drew the sword, a standing army not equaled by another nation until Russia in the First World War, but crammed into an Bronze Age tribal territory not much larger than a modern-day king-sized mattress (1 Chron. 21:4-5).

Not included in the poll were the two most wealthy and politically conservative tribes of Israel (Levi and Benjamin), who were strong on moral support for the troops but who refused to cooperate with the census-takers, lest their own sons should be enlisted for the service (1 Chron. 21:10-13). Ordinarily, David would have repaid the insult with extermination, but on this occasion he was overruled by a higher authority: for neither did the Lord God approve of King David's national census.

Yahveh waited until the tally was complete. He then announced David's punishment for spending his time counting alive people instead making more dead ones. The Lord offered David a choice: (a.) three years of dire famine in the land, or (b.) three months of being crushed utterly in battle by his enemies round about, or (c.) a three-day pestilence on the ten tribes of Israel who cooperated with the census.

David said: "I'll take the three-day pestilence."

The Lord promptly dispatched Gabriel down to planet Earth, to spread a deadly biological agent throughout Judaea, starting in Jerusalem, sparing no one.

(As you may remember from Sunday School, Gabriel is one of the Lord's seven "good" archangels. When the "bad" ones – Beelzebub, Belial, and I – rebelled in Heaven, the other seven archangels remained loyal to the Trinity. Gabriel – that arch-coward, that feathered chicken, that yellow-wingèd ostrich, Gabriel – was their ringleader. To this day, Gabriel still supervises much of God's dirty work on Earth, most recently in the form of tsunamis, earthquakes, and hurricanes. Hey, Gabe! In case you read this! Look – I'm giving you the finger!)

Gabriel touched down on a Friday, about dusk, near what is now the Mount of Olives. He then swooped down the hillside into the city, filling the air with deadly bacteria as he passed. No one saw him come or go. But by Saturday noon, thousands of Israelites lay dead or dying in the streets of Jerusalem, vomiting blood. The sheer ferocity of the attack caught even King David by surprise (1 Chron. 21:14).

The casualty count was still rising on the evening of the first day when, quite inexplicably, Yahveh ceased to be amused by his own wickedness: "And the LORD repented of His evil, and said to the angel who was destroying His people, 'Okay, that's enough. You may now stay your hand!'" (1 Chron. 21:15, KJV).

The last two days of the three-day pestilence were called off. Gabriel dutifully returned to his place in the heavenly choir and resumed singing God's praise, not missing a beat, not pausing to tell the other angels what had happened down here.

(That's one difference between a good angel, like Gabriel, and a bad one, like me: "good" angels pretend not to notice the horrific things God does to Earth-people when He's angry. Bad angels don't just take it sitting down or bending over, they stand up for humanity.)

David, who was afraid to get into trouble all over again, allowed no one to conduct a body count from the plague. He let God count the corpses for Himself, and report back.

The toll came to seventy thousand Hebrew dead men who used to draw the sword, plus the somewhat larger figure of so-called "collateral damage," comprised of women, children, and the elderly, who are typically omitted from the Lord's casualty figures, thereby setting a shrewd practical example for the leaders of such modern Christian nations as Great Britain and the United States.

For once, the Jews got off easy. Only rarely in the biblical narrative does the Lord allow a twinge of conscience to interrupt Him in the heat of a satisfying massacre. He's usually more resolute, especially when expressing anger at His favourite target, the descendants of Abraham.

The census incident still makes me feel sad. Which is why I have never made another suggestion of any kind to the government of Israel.

(A word here to the more than 200,000 widows and orphans of the census epidemic, and to the 70,000 victims: I'm sorry.)

– L.