Every Bible reader, I suppose, has one or two cherished verses of Scripture, such as John 3:16, or Song of Solomon 5:4 (KJV), or Psalms 137:9. But with so many to choose from (31,102 verses, each one of which was divinely inspired), I cannot decide on a favourite without first thinking about it.

Okay, I've thought about it.

I am especially fond of certain verses, and whole chapters, in which I appear as a named character. Thousands of people in the ancient world, including many heroic Hebrews, lived and died without ever making it into the Bible, while I am practically one of the main figures. (I thank God for that, and I intend to reciprocate, in my True History.) But I said I would tell you of my crimes against humanity. Okay, here goes, coming to you direct from the Holy Bible:

Lucifer's Stupid Mistakes

Not counting my tête-à-tête with your very naked mother, Eve, in the Garden of Eden, my earliest biblical mention comes in book thirteen of the Old Testament – at which time, after laying low for some eighteen centuries, I committed my worst offense since the Fall of Man. In 1042 BCE, in Israel, during the reign of King David, I did something truly horrible.

(Cover your ears if you think you're not ready to hear this, or else skip ahead.)

Okay, here it is, from the proverbial holy Horse's own mouth: "Satan provoked King David to conduct a census of the Israelites" (1 Chron. 21:1).

That may lower your opinion of me but it's true: I did it. The full story is told in the Word of God, 1 Chronicles, chapter 21.

Moses and Aaron had taken a census of the Israelites, but that was generations earlier. King David had no clue how many subjects he had among the twelve tribes of Israel. Taking a census seemed, to me, like a good idea, before David's reign depopulated the entire Middle East. I made a suggestion. I said, "Dave, why not conduct a census?" I thought I was being helpful.

King David said to himself, "Hey, that is a good idea." Great. For nearly six months he put on hold the ethnic cleansing project that had drained the royal coffers while soaking the land in blood from Egypt to Syria. He got rolling instead with a state census. He appointed officers to organise the polltaking, and he personally supervised the counting of census returns from throughout his kingdom.

Who would have guessed that my brief exchange with King David would get God angry with me all over again? With the Lord it's always like, "Hey, Lucifer! Back off! I'm the one who comes up with ideas for the kings of Israel, not you!"

But truthfully, the Lord's suggestions for David were always the same idea, with only slight variations:

David, slay the Amalekites!

David, slaughter the Moabites!

David, exterminate the Geshurites, and Gezrites, and Hittites, and Hivites, and Jebusites, and Jerahmeelites, and Kenites, and Perizzites, and Ziphites!

David, now kill Me some Syrian families!

Now destroy the children of the Ammonites! Saw them in half! Harrow! Burn! Chop!

Now kill Me some Philistine men and mutilate their dead penises for a practical joke!

Now massacre the rest of the Philistines!

Now arrest everyone you can find who's not an Israelite! Kill them!

Well, that's Dad for you. It's not that the good Lord is opposed to cultural diversity, it's just that He wants anyone who does not worship Him to be dead as soon as possible. Truly, if the land of Israel in those days had been populated by American Indians, bald eagles, and buffalo, the Lord's command to King David would have been just the same as it was to 19th Century Christians in the New World: Don't count the brutes, exterminate them!

– L.

(To be continued!)